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Veracity: Faith

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 13, 2009 1:10 pm    Post subject: Veracity: Faith Reply with quote

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Veracity: Faith
Posted by Shurmanator (dyshurman@gmail.com)
13 November 2009, 1:10 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Shurmanator1113090110121.html
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kabu
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 13, 2009 3:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

First, do not use orbs to refer to eyes. This makes me angry. Hulk-angry. Also, give it another proofread for typos. A bit heavy on the metaphor for my taste, but that's not too bad.

Anyway.

What I really love about this series so far is your sense of pacing. You reveal each bit of story in its own time, not leaving us in the dark for too long but not stealing away the mystery right away.

Again, great work. The ending to this chapter is especially powerful, even to a secular Jew like me Razz.

Great work.
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Shurmanator
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 16, 2009 4:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Crap.
I was just re-reading this and I found a HUGE error. Two, in fact.
To elaborate, a big part of the story that I was trying to convey was the concept of time. In fact, time is almost supposed to be its own character, evolving as the story goes in. It also is a key factor because the story jumps around a lot, especially between chapters.
Anyway, and I'll have to check to see if the problem is prevalent throughout my other chapters, I messed up military time BIG TIME.


Replace anything with "11" in the front with "23". e.g. "1126"="2326". Also, any time that is before midnight takes place on June 25th, while any time after midnight is June 26th.
Man that was careless and stupid. I got to fix that in my next chapter... crap.
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Jay2645
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 16, 2009 6:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's alright; we've all been there before.
I've screwed up like that majorly in the past, as well, so no biggie. Razz
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