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hboff Site Admin
Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4377
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kabu IRC Channel Operator

Joined: 18 Oct 2008 Posts: 204 Location: Nowhere in particular.
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Posted: Fri Nov 06, 2009 6:18 pm Post subject: |
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This might be just a bit overwrought. Don't get me wrong, it's well written and engaging, but lay off the metaphor/simile a bit. Too much of a good thing, I guess, and too much focus on backstory. It would have been a bit better to cut down the prelude and extend the first chapter.
Other than that, you obviously have a great deal of writing talent and are going into this with a well-crafted story, and I'm looking forward to the next chapter. Just... a bit less dense. _________________
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SFTA Member

Joined: 07 Oct 2009 Posts: 3
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Posted: Fri Nov 06, 2009 6:24 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you for the feedback. I'll keep it in mind as the story progresses. _________________ -WillWriter99 / http://twitter.com/sfta_will |
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kr1 IRC Channel Operator

Joined: 27 Feb 2007 Posts: 435 Location: UNSC Frigate September
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Posted: Tue Dec 15, 2009 6:56 pm Post subject: |
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Meant to post this a while back with the Fic Pick, but eb ended up taking that instead. But what you've got is solid, well-written. There's not much there yet, but from the little we see it's promising. You've got the ability to write something good, so keep it up! _________________
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