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Veracity: Embrace

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 30, 2009 1:36 pm    Post subject: Veracity: Embrace Reply with quote

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Veracity: Embrace
Posted by Shurmanator (dyshurman@gmail.com)
30 October 2009, 12:45 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Shurmanator1030090045191.html
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kabu
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Joined: 18 Oct 2008
Posts: 204
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 2:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is good. This is very good. My one complaint was that you edge into heavy melodrama, sometimes. Example:

Quote:
She looked up at Gibbs, only to see his face replaced by a tormenting hole of blackness.

That is definitely too much.

But still, you have a great setup, a great mystery that leaves me genuinely wanting the next chapter. It's hard to say at this point, but I see the beginnings of really fleshed-out characters in the flashback (I am a fan of flashbacks). The plot is intriguing but not impenetrable.

Great job.
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