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Policing a Warzone

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 30, 2009 1:36 pm    Post subject: Policing a Warzone Reply with quote

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Policing a Warzone
Posted by Wolverfrog (wolverfrog@gmail.com)
25 October 2009, 1:51 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Wolverfrog1025090151191.html
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kabu
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Joined: 18 Oct 2008
Posts: 204
Location: Nowhere in particular.

PostPosted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 1:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You need to Work on you Capitalization and Punctuation a bit on this one ("lug cancer," "government," etc. are just normal words, and there are a few missing commas). Just read the story out loud before hitting submit, this will help.

As a liberal hippy New Yorker, I'm probably somewhat biased against this story, but from an objective standpoint it is good. It's chock full of clichés, and I feel like the ending is impractical (he throws away the bottle just like that? They're laughing and joking already? And why just that one civilian?), but you have a solid set-up for a series and you've given it a lot of potential. Good work.
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