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One October Afternoon

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 23, 2009 1:41 pm    Post subject: One October Afternoon Reply with quote

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One October Afternoon
Posted by Urban Reflex (urban_reflex@hotmail.com)
22 October 2009, 8:46 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Urban_Reflex1022092046351.html
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kr1
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Joined: 27 Feb 2007
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Location: UNSC Frigate September

PostPosted: Sat Oct 24, 2009 12:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good to see an HBO regular posting here. I remember you submitted this for FFiH and was hoping you'd resubmit. It was nearer the top of the pile but not quite the best.

But what you've got here is solid. You have a good handle on GPS and formatting, which is always a plus for a newcomer. You're obviously familiar with canon, too, which can only add to how immersive a story is. Sometimes you take this a little overboard, though, like your OC joke and the ensuing explanation. You have a tendency to tell versus show. This mostly comes through with large amounts of unnecessary exposition. It's something a lot of new writers do, and something you wanna work on. Admittedly, it's easier to fall into in first-person writing, too.

My only other real issue is that the plot doesn't really go anywhere. It's very generic and nothing is really accomplished by it. It reads like a setup, too, which is a little jarring.

I liked how you made it clear the narrator was a marksman without explicitly saying he's a sniper, too. Good subtle characterization there.

Overall, you've got a good handle on the technical side, and your characterization is decent for your narrator. Plotting needs a bit of work, though. Hope you stick around, and welcome to HBOFF!
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Shurmanator
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 24, 2009 1:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, this was great. Really does a great job of extending the canon.

It's been said before, but I guess I'll re-state it. You seem to go into too detailed explanation over some plot developments. Obviously explaining some of the plot for the reader's benefit is a good thing, and you still did a pretty good job of keeping the plot moving, but its important to stick to your storyline and not go off on too much of a tangent when elaborating.
So far it sticks pretty close to Halo 2 canon (quite obviously that's what you were going for) and if you can keep it that way and still deliver an interesting story, which I have a feeling you can, then great job. If not, not sticking to canon is not necessarily a bad thing...

Great job, amazing first start.*

*Feels weird to be saying that since I just started posting fan fics like a month ago... doesn't seem right to be commenting on other people's stuff already. Oh well, what can I say, I'm a critic at heart.
And feel free to compeltely ignore me, there's a good chance I have almost no idea what I'm talking about... Wink
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kr1
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Location: UNSC Frigate September

PostPosted: Sat Oct 24, 2009 6:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Shurm, we encourage commenting no matter how new the writer, there's far too little of it going on lately. Wink

And Reflex, I realized my criticism on plot hinges on whether this is an opener for a series or not. If it's the former, it's fine, but my comments stand if the latter.

Oh, and if a cigar is pouring out black smoke like that Pelican, get that thing away from your mouth: there's a problem. Razz
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