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Halo: BlackWatch - Prologue

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 23, 2009 1:41 pm    Post subject: Halo: BlackWatch - Prologue Reply with quote
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Halo: BlackWatch - Prologue
Posted by chimeraNATOR (chimeraNATOR)
18 October 2009, 6:34 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=chimeraNATOR1018091834011.html
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kr-1426
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Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 357
Location: UNSC Frigate September
PostPosted: Fri Oct 23, 2009 7:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
Welcome to HBOFF! For a newcomer here, you've got a pretty solid handle on writing, it seems. Better than a lot of what we get. Your GPS (grammar, punctuation, and spelling) is solid, and your formatting's good, too. You're off to a good start.

There's some stuff to work on, of course. The first is your tense: I know it's a stylistic choice to write in present tense, and you did a good job keeping it consistent, but it's still a bit weird to read. If you can keep it consistent and have a good reason for doing so, I won't complain, though.

The second is your marines: for any kind of special ops, or even soldiers in general, they're far too wordy. Soldiers generally try to say as much as they can in as few words as possible. For example,
Quote:
"Dagger One, this is Saber One. We're in position and ready to move in on your signal, over."

might be shortened to
Quote:
"Dagger One, Saber One. In position and ready on your signal, over."

Or
Quote:
"Saber One, this is Dagger One, we are en route to the encampment and will make hard contact momentarily. You may now begin your assault, over."

might be
Quote:
"Saber One, Dagger One is en route. Hard contact imminent."

with the whole last sentence replaced with a simple command such as 'Go' or Take'.

Your marines also don't really quite exist as characters yet, either. We know nothing about them except they're special ops soldiers, and thta little bit about the sergeant at the end. This just seems like a teaser, though, so I'm sure we'll get more. Make sure to work on that, though.

Also, rockets have backblast. Firing from a car window like that would've fried the driver. Wink

These last two things are nitpicky and some folks don't care about them, but they bug me personally. First is author's notes: it makes a story look unprofessional, and you could write that kind of stuff here. The second is using 'Halo' in the title of your piece. This is a Halo fanfic site, of course it's gonna be a Halo fic! Razz

And with that, I'm done. Welcome again to HBOFF, and I hope you stick around and keep writing!
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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Joined: 19 Oct 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 23, 2009 8:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
kr covered the points I wanted to make, but I want to hammer out that for a first time writer here you did a very good job with GPS and formatting. That's probably one of the biggest pet peeves of the writers here, and you nailed it on the head IMHO. Good job, and follow kr's advice; you'll go far here.
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chimeraNATOR
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Joined: 24 Oct 2009
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 24, 2009 3:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
Thanks for the comments guys, and I agree with you that my marines are a bit long winded Laughing. About the rocket launcher; yeah you're right. I'll keep your tips in mind, thanks.
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spartan shot
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Joined: 19 Jun 2009
Posts: 5
PostPosted: Sat Oct 31, 2009 2:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
Not bad at all. I'm relatively new to writing fanfic as well. You've got a good story so far. I noticed your using Planet Sera as a setting. If you got a Gears of War and Halo mix planned then I look forward to seeing how it turns out.
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