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Halo: True Sangheili (Part Three + Four)

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 09, 2009 2:19 pm    Post subject: Halo: True Sangheili (Part Three + Four) Reply with quote

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Halo: True Sangheili (Part Three + Four)
Posted by Wolverfrog (Wolverfrog@gmail.com)
8 October 2009, 10:43 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Wolverfrog1008092243421.html
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The 14th Wonder
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Joined: 31 May 2008
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 16, 2009 2:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Overall, I think you've got a very interesting concept here, Wolver. I'll get the nasty bits of my feedback out of the way and then I'll come back to what I like Smile.

First of all, you do have a pretty significant amount of minor GPS (grammar, punctuation, spelling) errors. While this isn't a catastrophic problem it does have a significant effect on your credibility as an author. Now what I mean by minor errors is that they're easy ones to make (especially in the grammar department), or a spell-checker wouldn't catch them. The best way to deal with this is to get someone you know is strong in this area to help you proofread. If you don't know anyone who quite fits the bill, I would be more than happy to help you out, as I'm sure would several other guys here. Schedules can be a little crazy during the school year, but like I said, I'd be happy to help however I can. (One BIG issue to note here is that your pronouns suddenly changed to first person on a few occasions. I'm assuming you originally wrote this in first person and changed your mind, but go back through and make sure you don't miss any of those for future submissions.)

Secondly, and this is very important, kabu mentioned in his comment and his Fic Pick about some of the dialogue being a little clumsily caught between human and Elite. I will say that most anyone I've talked to about this has remarked that your Elite dialogue is better than most. BUT, that doesn't mean it's perfect. I think the biggest thing you need to watch for is your idiom use. "Don't get me wrong", "around these parts", "That's low", and sometimes even just using contractions when you ought not to are problems. Remember, very rarely would an Elite say anything resembling some guy you ran into on the street. And I know it's easy to fall prey to cliché writing the uppity dialogue we're used to, but you have to remember the context of your characters. Archaic words and syntax are almost always gonna be the name of the game with Elites.

Third and final beef is a story element. Be very, very careful with your Spartan character. You're obviously going for a cocky hard-ass, and that may be okay, but it is only barely justified by the fact that he was treating Covenant that way. Under any other circumstances, no Spartan would behave that way (I know, once again were stuck with the image Bungie has given, but that's the way it is) and even under the same circumstances many Spartans wouldn't. So tread very, very carefully. If he becomes any more arrogant, he will be disliked and people will give you a lot of flak about him.

I promised this would eventually get back to what I like, so here ya go:

This is really neat concept for a character. I think that will ultimately be what gives the story to potential to be set apart. I know you've already got the story headed in a certain direction (perhaps it's already finished if I recall?) but I'd love to see you spend more time working with the reluctant hero internal conflict. That's probably your strongest point in the series thus far. Perhaps we'll see more of that coming, but in any case, well done.

You're also quite consistent with your flow, doing a good job with varying your sentence structure and keeping your style from becoming too dry. I'd be a bit more careful about uncolorful descriptions of things we already understand well (the first few paragraphs of chapter one stand out) but overall, you're solid stylistically.

I know you were a bit off-put by the "uninteresting plot" comments, but the truth is these first chapters aren't terribly interesting from a storytelling standpoint (other than what I said about the character). BUT, you've promised that this is where it will begin to pick up, and I think you are full-well capable of delivering on that promise.

Hopefully you read this big mess, because if you don't, I'm slamming your face into a computer screen Wink. I hope I was able to help as well, and like I said, that proofing offer still stands.

I'm looking forward to seeing what you do with what you've got when you post again. (Oh that's my last little thing: maybe don't do quite so many series at once.)

And I'll be keeping an eye on this, even if I'm not posting megabeast comments on every submission Wink
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Wolverfrog
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Joined: 19 Jun 2009
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 18, 2009 8:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks! And to all those who've been reading what I've posted and getting angry with the fact I 'haven't taken advice', that's not true. With the latest parts of all my work, I've made sure to take what everyone has suggested and use it to improve. It's only because the parts I've been releasing are older, and to change them would change the story.

I might keep releasing True Sangheili, maybe touching up on it before I release new parts.
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