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A Day in New Mombasa

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 09, 2009 2:19 pm    Post subject: A Day in New Mombasa Reply with quote

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A Day in New Mombasa
Posted by Jake Trommer (wedgefan@comcast.net)
7 October 2009, 11:15 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Jake_Trommer1007092315201.html
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eb4642
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Joined: 09 May 2009
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Location: The Dark Tower of NW10

PostPosted: Fri Oct 09, 2009 6:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I already made my thoughts clear to you on this, but since you threatened to castrate me if I didn't comment, I thought I might as well make them public Wink

I loved it. It's refreshing to see a fresh characterisation of Brutes that's obviously not meant to be taken seriously... and making the Rookie into a complete and utter sadistic dickhead was a stroke of brilliance.

Good work. I now want to see a story based upon the Arbiter and the Prophet of Truth discussing last night's TV at the water cooler... Wink
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kr1
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 09, 2009 6:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Same boat as eb: I've already told you what I think, but I'll do it again.

The first half I thought was brilliant, the opening especially. I love the dark humor there, and the issue of pronouncing the Brute's name once he reaches maturity was entertaining. The Brute commander inspecting the unit was wonderful, all kinds of fun casual violence. Your little backstory for the Jackal snipers was interesting, too.

I'm gonna disagree with eb about the Rookie being an asshole, though. I liked the little jaunty waves and mock salutes the first time he encounters the Brutes. That's what I'd expect out of a rookie marine. The second time around just doesn't seem to jive with what we've little we've been shown of the Rookie. Granted, we haven't seen much, and you're not diverging from his personality since there isn't much there, but I just don't agree with your portrayal.

Now, if you'd gone the route of making it clear the Rookie being an asshole was due to the player controlling him being an asshole, I'd've gotten a good laugh out of it. Maybe adding a teabag right at the end would've done it. Razz
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Shurmanator
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 10, 2009 1:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very well written, definitely one of my new favorites.
Your depiction of a Covenant patrol was spot on, but also had a good amount of humor to it. The Brute Pack-Leader was a very well written character, and I almost felt sorry for him at the end.

Almost.

Perhaps the best part of this is, as has been said before, the Rookie's blatant sadism. He was simply mocking and funny the first time, but he was a straight up psychopath the second time the Pack encountered him. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I think you were going for a description of the Rookie as if he was being played by some 13 year old kid who likes taking out his anger onto virtual aliens. If so, spot on.

Very well written, funny, and not overly complex. Great work.
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 13, 2009 11:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pretty good, Jake, though I found this offering to be pretty light. The characters lacked depth and most of the space was dedicated to action of the type where "a group of grunts goes hither, *bam* *squeal* they're dead." The supermarine Rookie was similarly light on characterization, although his sadism at least made him interesting. The other reviewers seem to think this was satirical... was that the intent? If it was, I didn't really get it from the fic, except where the Rookie salutes from the Mongoose. I think more time should have been spent on making this humorously over-the-top and less time on earnest descriptions of action.

I did like the bit about the Huragok, though. I thought its plight and Flagellus' soft spot for it added a sense of pathos to this otherwise slam-bam action story.

In any event, I enjoyed this and it moved along briskly. Well done.

- Arthur
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Jake Trommer
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 14, 2009 4:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The intent actually was satire, I'm sorry that wasn't clearer. Any suggestions for the next venture?
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