HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

BUMPER SPECIAL Fic Pick of the Week (w/e 2 October)
Goto page 1, 2  Next
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Reviews
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
eb4642
IRC Channel Operator


Joined: 09 May 2009
Posts: 77
Location: The Dark Tower of NW10

PostPosted: Wed Oct 07, 2009 9:49 pm    Post subject: BUMPER SPECIAL Fic Pick of the Week (w/e 2 October) Reply with quote

It's been quite a slog - I mean, challenge doing the Fic Pick this week: many entries appear to have fallen off the back of the ODST contest, but that's not to say they weren't good.

So, with this in mind, welcome to the Super Bumper-Crop Fic Pick Extra +1 And A Bit More for the week ending last Friday, 2 October 2009.

The Slush Pile

Through the Looking Glass by ShroudedCloud
Shroud is a newcomer here, and this piece, he says, was a "practice" for the ODST contest. Its canonicity is certainly debatable regarding the life of Spartans, but... it's so well written it makes up for it seven times over. His writing style is superb, and there's a certain other element that I'll get to later... but either way, very well done.

Face of Death by grantix
Again, this appears to have fallen off the back of the ODST contest, falling just short of the superb entries that topped the rankings.

The writing style is decent, even if it feels rather too spartan and undescriptive for my liking. The main problem, however, lies in the plot: although grantix steers well clear of übermarine syndrome and the law of inverse marksmanship, the idea that an ODST would not shoot (at least to disable) adolescents who were attacking them and being dickheads seems highly unlikely to me.

That said, it's still solid - however, it lacks the factor required to push it from a good story to a great one.

The Unknown Planet (Chapter 1) by blueshade
Not an ODST contest entry (it appears) and this very much falls into the clichéd, poorly written post-Halo 3 category. Aside from that, grammar, spelling and punctuation are very poor, as is formatting and the overall writing style. (Also, changing tenses in the middle of a story can only be described as a primary school error.)

ODST: Team Two - Insertion by DozyJoe
I love the writing style of this one - it's descriptive, elegant and eloquent. The grammar, spelling and punctuation are very strong (although it starts to drop off towards the end), as is the storytelling.

Here's the issue: it's basically ODST rewritten. True, he did a better job than Staten, but the character (and story) development could certainly do with some work, and a lot of it.

That said, it has potential, and in no short supply.

Who We Are by ShroudedCloud (again)
This is Shroud's actual ODST contest entry, and, as he freely admits, the plotline is rather messy and muddy. However, aside from that... it is superb. The writing style is magnificent, as is the description, GSP, formatting, et al. Truly superb - this almost makes up for the plot.

Warrior's spirit by Typhoongale
Shabby GSP, meh plot. Next.

So lost.. by Why do we talk?
Shabby GSP, Mary Sue character, cliché plot, no formatting, wall of text, sense of déjà vu. NEXT.

Plato's Lie: Prologue by Imperator John
This could certainly be worse, but it could also certainly be better. There's various GSP errors throughout and some clunky bits - however, it's still good and worth a read.

Musings of a Soldier by Michael Ives
At first, things for this fic didn't look promising. The formatting needs work (it looks a bit like a wall of text at the moment).

However, I love the writing style and the vivid description, and although the integration of the song/poem is unorthodox (especially for HBOFF) it works wonderfully.

There is, practically, no plot to speak of... but then again, plenty of stories *cough* kabu *cough* Phae *cough* have managed to get away with very little or no plot, so I don't have a problem with that.

This is very well done - however, I'd appreciate the proper formatting next time Razz

Doctor of New Mombasa (Part 1) by Mr AngryPants
GSP and formatting are a bit off, and this is basically a rather uninspiring rewrite of Sadie's Story from ODST at the moment. Nothing much to see here.

Halo: True Sangheili (Part Two) by Wolverfrog
I'm afraid this is another continuation of a mediocre plot with slightly shabby GSP. Next.

Halo 3: Insurrection (Part Seven) by Wolverfrog (again)
Ditto.

And now, the tacky little titles to be inserted into the winners' signatures

This week's Wang Monster award goes to The Unknown Planet, for making me spew Coke all over my desk at this line:

Quote:
Chief started flight sequence. The U.N.S.C. logo appeared on one of the monitors. Chief flew the Pelican out the ship and re-entered the planet.


Honourable Mentions go to Face of Death and ODST Team Two - Insertion. Both of these were good pieces, but lacked that zing required to make them great. However, I'd love to see more from both authors in the future.

Second Place is a tie, between Through the Looking Glass and Musings of a Soldier. Both pieces were excellent, and would've probably gained the podium if I were doing this any other week. However, this week, they were both just pipped to the post by this week's winner.

And in a shock win for a debut piece with a very wonky plot, this week's Fic Pick goes to Who We Are by ShroudedCloud. If you ignore the plot, which you can't help but do... it is truly superb, especially considering it's Shroud's first submission here (beside Through the Looking Glass).

So... that's a week of shocks. Four out of five of the podium's positions are occupied by newcomers, a newcomer with shaky plots gets a 1-2, and twelve submissions in a single week... it's been eventful. And good.

Congratulations to the winners, and here's to more great weeks like this in the future. EB out.

edited: fixed spacing, fixed misattribution of Shroud's first submission.
_________________
The Elitist Bastard | Writing is the business of professional turd-polishing.
"(don't take this review too seriously) If you doubt this is possible, how is it there are PYGMIES + DWARFS??"
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Wolverfrog
Member


Joined: 19 Jun 2009
Posts: 11

PostPosted: Thu Oct 08, 2009 12:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah, I can see no one at HBO likes any of my fan fictions, and prefer to read about Spartans no one has ever heard of in a situation set in the middle of the war which was no effect on the greater story of Halo.

Of course, rather than think: 'the plot of Insurrection/True Sangheili is starting off slow, maybe this means it will build into something bigger, and Wolverfrog is just setting the scene right now'; people write it off as mediocre.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
kr1
IRC Channel Operator


Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 435
Location: UNSC Frigate September

PostPosted: Thu Oct 08, 2009 4:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wolverfrog wrote:
Ah, I can see no one at HBO likes any of my fan fictions, and prefer to read about Spartans no one has ever heard of in a situation set in the middle of the war which was no effect on the greater story of Halo.


Well, actually, most folks do prefer stories with original characters and plots separate from the game trilogy and novels. It's kind of the point of fan fiction to explore the lesser-known aspects of the canon rather than stuff we've already seen.

Wolverfrog wrote:
Of course, rather than think: 'the plot of Insurrection/True Sangheili is starting off slow, maybe this means it will build into something bigger, and Wolverfrog is just setting the scene right now'; people write it off as mediocre.


A few things: first, if you want to be taken seriously at all, you can't have more than one or two GPS errors in your stories--at all. It could be excellently written, but folks see that kind of sloppiness and immediately dismiss a story. I know I do.

Second, you're seven parts into Insurrection, and most people do not consistently follow a series unless they're immediately impressed. The responsibility lies with you to keep the reader interested, and a post-Halo 3 story is not the way to do that. Everyone does them, and they all follow a similar trend. They're unoriginal and not terribly interesting, and generally mess up a perfectly good conclusion to the Chief's story arc. You could be the best writer here and have trouble satisfying readers with a post-Halo 3 story.

Third, you're not being written off as mediocre because you're setting the scene. Others can do that and still be considered good. You're writing isn't bad, but it needs improvement. I personally thought you had a good handle on Elite dialogue in both chapters, better than most writers do, for example. Whether you continue writing here is up to you, of course, but you'll never improve if you stop writing, and accepting criticism usually speeds you along your way to improvement.

In short, don't blame eb here. He tends to be blunt, but if he thought you were a shit writer, you'd definitely know. Where you go from here is up to you. Wink
_________________


Last edited by kr1 on Thu Oct 08, 2009 10:24 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Wolverfrog
Member


Joined: 19 Jun 2009
Posts: 11

PostPosted: Thu Oct 08, 2009 5:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I won't stop writing or posting here, I just wish eb would have given a little more advice than 'Mediocre plot' and 'Ditto.'

Insurrection, I write really for Bungie.netters and the Halo Wars forum, where apparently they all love it and it's zany plot tying up all loose ends left at the end of Halo 3. I personally think it to be one of my poorer fan fics, and may stop posting it here.

True Sangheili, on the other hand, I'm proud of, especially when it gets to later chapters, and so I'm upset when someone writes it off as having a mediocre plot.

To be honest it's my fault, all my stories start off rather mundane, with ordinary enough events, which then build up into huge conspiracies, plots and mysteries. For example, later on in Insurrection the Precursors, Forerunners and origin of the Flood is explored, and in True Sangheili it will feature the Prophet of Restraint (Former Hierarch of the Covenant), who knows that the entire Covenant is a lie, and our protagonist becomes involved with him, then living a dual life in High Charity.

I've got another one called Memoirs of an ODST, which is pretty original, you may not think so with it being about ODSTs, but it has a lot of character and emotion in, being written in the first person. However, at 38 chapters long, I think it might take too long to post up here.

So anyway, I'll carry on posting True Sangheili, I may just leave Insurrection.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
ShroudedCloud
Member


Joined: 20 Sep 2009
Posts: 1
Location: ...

PostPosted: Thu Oct 08, 2009 6:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Could you explain something?

Wolverfrog wrote:
I won't stop writing or posting here, I just wish eb would have given a little more advice than 'Mediocre plot' and 'Ditto.'

Insurrection, I write really for Bungie.netters and the Halo Wars forum, where apparently they all love it and it's zany plot tying up all loose ends left at the end of Halo 3. I personally think it to be one of my poorer fan fics, and may stop posting it here.

True Sangheili, on the other hand, I'm proud of, especially when it gets to later chapters, and so I'm upset when someone writes it off as having a mediocre plot.

To be honest it's my fault, all my stories start off rather mundane, with ordinary enough events, which then build up into huge conspiracies, plots and mysteries. For example, later on in Insurrection the Precursors, Forerunners and origin of the Flood is explored, and in True Sangheili it will feature the Prophet of Restraint (Former Hierarch of the Covenant), who knows that the entire Covenant is a lie, and our protagonist becomes involved with him, then living a dual life in High Charity.


So, are you saying that you already have these series written, done, whatever, but that you are taking them straight from these other forums where they were originally posted and putting them here? (Not being mean, just trying to clear things up.)

If so, given the feedback you've received thus far, why not, before you post the next chapter, shop around on here and see if you can find a beta reader to help you out with the story before you continue on posting. You can't expect things to change by doing the same thing over and over.

I apparently am VERY horrible with plotting things, so, instead of just trudging ahead anyway, I'm seeking some community assistance to work on that part of my stories.

Oh, and don't feel bad, I was cheated out of my Wang Monster Award! Damn Unknown Planet!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
The 14th Wonder
Member


Joined: 31 May 2008
Posts: 35
Location: wat

PostPosted: Thu Oct 08, 2009 6:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well-done conquering the beast, eb Razz

I'll have to get to some of these.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
eb4642
IRC Channel Operator


Joined: 09 May 2009
Posts: 77
Location: The Dark Tower of NW10

PostPosted: Thu Oct 08, 2009 9:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wolverfrog wrote:
Ah, I can see no one at HBO likes any of my fan fictions, and prefer to read about Spartans no one has ever heard of in a situation set in the middle of the war which was no effect on the greater story of Halo.

No. We prefer well-written stories with a compelling plot, regardless of where it's set. Plot implications have nothing to do with whether or not a story is any good: The Da Vinci Code has massive, worldwide plot implications, but it's a crap book.

Wolverfrog wrote:
Of course, rather than think: 'the plot of Insurrection/True Sangheili is starting off slow, maybe this means it will build into something bigger, and Wolverfrog is just setting the scene right now'; people write it off as mediocre.

Getting off to a slow start has nothing to do with it. A good start is what matters - and besides, two and seven parts in, I'd have expected the quality to improve.

This is the problem - it is simply dull. Both scenarios have been done dozens of times before (and better).

I can understand feeling upset when someone derides your work. However... that doesn't change the fact that it is incredibly humdrum, run-of-the-mill and simply isn't very good by our standards.

On HBOFF, we tend to take a more critical stance towards poor writing and plotting - in this case, you're not bad, but you're not that good either. (Grammar, punctuation and spelling errors are also a real put-off - and they are numerous.)

Don't get me wrong, you have the potential to improve: however, I think I made the most immediate problems clear. Namely, that the GSP is shabby, and the plot (including the one with the Precursors) has been done plenty of times before. (Any trawl through the FanFiction.Net archives will reveal dozens.)

Please don't be offended, but I am speaking my mind. No-one ever said the Fic Pick was objective. Razz
_________________
The Elitist Bastard | Writing is the business of professional turd-polishing.
"(don't take this review too seriously) If you doubt this is possible, how is it there are PYGMIES + DWARFS??"
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Wolverfrog
Member


Joined: 19 Jun 2009
Posts: 11

PostPosted: Thu Oct 08, 2009 10:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I'll keep on posting Insurrection, because I think it gets better later on. I did write the earlier parts back when I was still new to fan fiction, but I'm better now. Eventually, I'll rewrite Insurrection, so it's of a good standard.

I'll mainly concentrate on True Sangheili; it's original, and my own favourite fan fiction to write.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
SYSTEM
The Hammer


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3737
Location: Sierra Hotel.

PostPosted: Fri Oct 09, 2009 12:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wolverfrog wrote:
Well, I'll keep on posting Insurrection, because I think it gets better later on.

In practice, you only have between a few paragrahs and a few pages to go before your reader decides whether your story is worth reading or not, and either continues or puts it back on the shelf. If you fail to catch their attention in this timeframe, you fail to catch a reader, end of story. Although the methods of catching the audience's attention varies from genre to genre, universally you will want to make sure it is good and attention-getting right from the start, instead of assuming the audience will just take your word for it when you say 'it gets good/more exciting/cooler later.' How you intend to do this is totally up to you, and you will find more ways of doing it as time goes on. On HBOFF, the community is much more personal and closely knit, so your readers tend to be much more forgiving. Nevertheless, applying something that would be useful 'out there' will get you a ton of kudos points in here, and makes for a better writing in the end.
_________________
SYSTEM | HBOFF Administrator | "Anytime, Baby!"

I apologize to anyone I have not offended yet. I will get to you shortly.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Azrael
Member


Joined: 10 Aug 2004
Posts: 504
Location: Boston

PostPosted: Fri Oct 09, 2009 12:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

For tackling all 12 of those pieces, you have my admiration and respect, Eb. Wowser.
_________________
...now that's some gritty shizzle.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Chuckles
Member


Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI

PostPosted: Fri Oct 09, 2009 2:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm with Azrael, Eb. Nicely done.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Arthur Wellesley
Member


Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 306
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Fri Oct 09, 2009 3:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Indeed, you're a better man than I. And congrats on stirring up some controversy, too Razz

- Arthur
_________________
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
kabu
IRC Channel Operator


Joined: 18 Oct 2008
Posts: 204
Location: Nowhere in particular.

PostPosted: Fri Oct 09, 2009 6:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh man, we need more controversy around here.

Say what you will about his jackassery, but Mark25 inspired some great conversations, especially that one(s) that got so out of hand we ended up deleting the whole thread.

But still - Wolverfrog, you have the writing style down. Just get a more gripping plot, and I will welcome you with open arms.
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Sterfrye36
Member


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 419
Location: The Good Old US of A!

PostPosted: Fri Oct 09, 2009 11:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

kabu wrote:
Say what you will about his jackassery, but Mark25 inspired some great conversations, especially that one(s) that got so out of hand we ended up deleting the whole thread.


Heh. Good ol' Mark25. Gotta love him. I kinda miss the guy, what with his rambling, nonsensical sentences that went on and on and on.

Dave, I understand if you can't/won't tell us, but was that a permaban?
_________________
FFPotW Winner Total: 2 (Longsword R: Midway 8/8/08 ) (The Letter 11/14/08 )
"I...have...power issues." -Phae
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
Jake Trommer
Member


Joined: 22 Jun 2008
Posts: 63
Location: An express elevator to Hell, going down

PostPosted: Sat Oct 10, 2009 1:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sterfrye36 wrote:
kabu wrote:
Say what you will about his jackassery, but Mark25 inspired some great conversations, especially that one(s) that got so out of hand we ended up deleting the whole thread.


Heh. Good ol' Mark25. Gotta love him. I kinda miss the guy, what with his rambling, nonsensical sentences that went on and on and on.

Dave, I understand if you can't/won't tell us, but was that a permaban?

Not to answer for him, but I'm pretty sure it was.
_________________
Sir Isaac Newton is the DEADLIEST SON OF A BITCH IN SPACE!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Reviews All times are GMT
Goto page 1, 2  Next
Page 1 of 2

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group