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hboff Site Admin
Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4377
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Nick Kang Member

Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 688 Location: Michigan State University
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Posted: Fri Oct 02, 2009 6:48 pm Post subject: |
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This was a pretty nice job. The paragraph at the beginning lacked emotional punch, but I liked the song in the middle a lot. Just be sure when you're writing these sad kinds of things, try to include things that you know will get an emotional response. You said that Drake was squadmates with the narrator, but I would have felt the sense of his loss much more if you included an amusing anecdote that happened between the two of them. _________________ Eighty percent of human wisdom is the desire to not butt into other peoples' business, and the other twenty percent doesn't matter. |
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