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Sleep/Wake: The Pale Black Dot, Part 1

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 2:09 pm    Post subject: Sleep/Wake: The Pale Black Dot, Part 1 Reply with quote

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Sleep/Wake: The Pale Black Dot, Part 1
Posted by 4642 Elitist Bastard (4642eb@googlemail.com)
25 September 2009, 2:17 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=4642_Elitist0925090217491.html
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kabu
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 7:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

For some reason, I just really don't like this as much as Green Dot. I can't get a handle on any of your characters, the description seems vague, the prose gets clumsy sometimes, and the plot is rather obvious and, dare I say it, unoriginal. We've seen a bunch of post-H3 fics involving the chief, and this feels a bit ripped off from Attack on 06. Honestly, this is a definite step down for you in terms of storytelling and prose.

In general, a story where the readers know what's going on but the characters don't isn't very compelling.
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eb4642
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 7:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You're right.

I was very tired when I submitted this... so I suppose it wasn't a very good judgement to post it so soon. I should really have given this another week or two.

Now, the question is - would you sooner I spent some time revising this, or went straight on to the next part? It could certainly do with some more time in gestation.

edit: I'm on IRC right now, so feel free to come on in and flame me in person Wink
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kabu
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 7:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Definitely redo this - a full remake, written up from scratch. Rethink your characters, your setting, and the plot. Unless there's a really compelling reason, for example, I see no need to include Elites in this - they're very awkward and unconvincing to write.

The whole thing with the sentinel seems off and stilted, too.

The plot so far is way, way too obvious. You've taken all the mystery out in the first chapter, and haven't presented any sort of conflict to resolve. Though I shouldn't really talk, on that example, I'm 12.5 chapters into "Bad Days" there still isn't even any remote hint of a plot Razz.

I've seen your writing and I know you can do this - "Bright Green Dot" was a better characterization of the chief than Nylund's, in my opinion. This story is not like you, so far.
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eb4642
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 8:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*tosses the file into the trash*

To be fair to myself (which I know I'm not, on occasion) the plot does start in a way that seems obvious, but it ends in a way that isn't. That should've been more obvious, I suppose. (Also... I hadn't intended to copy Jake, although I can see obvious parallels that make this seem, to the uninitiated, like the bastard child of AoI06 and Lara Croft. Apologies to Jake, but not to Toby Gard...)

Anyway, this shall be getting a rewrite... but not until after I've finally got off my arse and finished TC.

*awaits continued mauling*
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