HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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New Harvest
Posted by Jay2645 (Disneylandjay@gmail.com)
23 September 2009, 10:04 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Jay26450923092204151.html

kabu · Posted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 8:02 pm Post subject:

Good to see some people from FFIH submitting!

All in all, this is a solid story that I wouldn't mind seeing continued, with a few improvements.

First the bad:

There are a few things I don't like about this. Most importantly, you sacrificed character for action - I don't feel like I really know who any of your people are, so the last scene falls flat. Show us their chemistry together in training, then it will have more of an impact. Characters speak with the same voice as background exposition.

Including bits from Halo Multiplayer is somewhat frowned upon, as the whole thing about using live ammo against each other is really absurd.

I'm not sure I have a handle on their ages - they've only been awake for seven years, but how old are their bodies?

That being said, there is a lot to like about the story. Your writing is very clear and not at all muddled, and your description is very vivid. The narration has a great flow to it and is fun to read, especially your description of waking up at the beginning. You have a good deal of technical talent, you just need to add the plot and character to back it up.
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