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Luck

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4355

PostPosted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 2:09 pm    Post subject: Luck Reply with quote

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Luck
Posted by Paul Shelley (Bzerker01@gmail.com)
23 September 2009, 7:42 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Paul_Shelley0923091942211.html
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kabu
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Joined: 18 Oct 2008
Posts: 204
Location: Nowhere in particular.

PostPosted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 8:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I was hoping you'd upload this!

An excellent story, really well done. Dream sequences are tricky, but you pull it off masterfully. I've seen a few takes on the whole flash-cloned children thing, this was one of the best. I especially like the descriptions in this story, of the vividly surreal thoughts and dreams. You get into his head very well.

The one stumbling point here was the ending - the dialogue and descriptions of the Spartan's rescue seems stilted and forced. When in doubt, read everything out loud, you'll pick up on the bits that stumble over themselves and fall out of place. There are a few bits earlier as well where your sentence structure gets jumbled.

Conclusion - really excellent, a great story, but could use some fixing.
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bzerker01
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Joined: 08 Oct 2005
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 07, 2010 4:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

kabu wrote:
I was hoping you'd upload this!

An excellent story, really well done. Dream sequences are tricky, but you pull it off masterfully. I've seen a few takes on the whole flash-cloned children thing, this was one of the best. I especially like the descriptions in this story, of the vividly surreal thoughts and dreams. You get into his head very well.

The one stumbling point here was the ending - the dialogue and descriptions of the Spartan's rescue seems stilted and forced. When in doubt, read everything out loud, you'll pick up on the bits that stumble over themselves and fall out of place. There are a few bits earlier as well where your sentence structure gets jumbled.

Conclusion - really excellent, a great story, but could use some fixing.


Thanks for the comments. I think I was crunching to get it in for the contest a while back. The original idea I had involved a much longer story and the dream sequences were added when I shortened it down. Glad you liked it though.
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ODST Contest Entry: "Luck" 3,180 words (Complete)
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