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Ever Sharp - Repairs & Mysteries

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 2:09 pm    Post subject: Ever Sharp - Repairs & Mysteries Reply with quote

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Ever Sharp - Repairs & Mysteries
Posted by Mark Lieberg (malieberg@msn.com)
21 September 2009, 5:08 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Mark_Lieberg0921091708581.html
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Nick Kang
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 10:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pretty nice. Be sure to pay attention to your sentence structure, though.
Quote:
I don't want to be in a hole for them to set a trap and waiting for us to spring it."

That sentence got a bit turned around while you were writing. This happens to me a lot too. Sentences like this sometimes require you to slowly read through and mentally untangle it.

Other than that I got kind of a Star-Trek-y feeling from it, though I'm pretty sure that was intentional.
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 26, 2009 12:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, when I reread that sentence a few times, I felt uneasy about it.
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 26, 2009 2:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with Nick on your sentence structure, but you could be a little better off using a little more details in certain places. You jumped from the ship right to Data; probably would of been best to cap off the ship in disarray from the outside first.

Otherwise, I liked it. Keep it up, and glad to see you back, Mark. Very Happy
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