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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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Nick Kang
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 688
Location: Michigan State University
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 Posted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 10:05 pm Post subject: |
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Pretty nice. Be sure to pay attention to your sentence structure, though.
| Quote: | | I don't want to be in a hole for them to set a trap and waiting for us to spring it." |
That sentence got a bit turned around while you were writing. This happens to me a lot too. Sentences like this sometimes require you to slowly read through and mentally untangle it.
Other than that I got kind of a Star-Trek-y feeling from it, though I'm pretty sure that was intentional.
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Eighty percent of human wisdom is the desire to not butt into other peoples' business, and the other twenty percent doesn't matter. |
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Mark Lieberg
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Joined: 12 Nov 2004
Posts: 770
Location: South Korea
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| Posted: Sat Sep 26, 2009 12:49 am Post subject: |
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Yeah, when I reread that sentence a few times, I felt uneasy about it.
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Mark Lieberg
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"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)" |
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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Joined: 19 Oct 2004
Posts: 1218
Location: Always here to help
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| Posted: Sat Sep 26, 2009 2:43 am Post subject: |
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I agree with Nick on your sentence structure, but you could be a little better off using a little more details in certain places. You jumped from the ship right to Data; probably would of been best to cap off the ship in disarray from the outside first.
Otherwise, I liked it. Keep it up, and glad to see you back, Mark. 
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Idea, Plot, Character, and Forum Signatures |
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