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What Once was Ours, chapter 2

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 18, 2009 2:47 pm    Post subject: What Once was Ours, chapter 2 Reply with quote

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What Once was Ours, chapter 2
Posted by Jake Trommer (wedgefan@comcast.net)
11 September 2009, 11:28 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Jake_Trommer0911092328071.html
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eb4642
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Joined: 09 May 2009
Posts: 77
Location: The Dark Tower of NW10

PostPosted: Mon Sep 21, 2009 1:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well... it's certainly better than your previous iterations, so well done Wink

The one thing I will say is that the ending seems to jar a bit. The ending line seems a bit forced - it's hard to explain, and I'll do so when I'm less tired. Very Happy
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kabu
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Joined: 18 Oct 2008
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 24, 2009 7:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Now that I'm done reading through the FFIH stuff, I have a bit of time to see what's happened. Sorry for the delay.

This is good, especially the Arbiter - I like what you've done with his character. Kind of silly to be grumbling that the humans don't trust him when he's in the middle of betraying the government, though Razz.

Only complaints - this feels a bit rushed. I would have liked more Hocus and Shilds, your two strongest characters so far. The bad guys seem a bit over-the-top, too, but that can be fun.

Anyway, it's a great chapter.
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Col. Knadan
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Joined: 08 Aug 2008
Posts: 68
Location: UNSC In Amber Clad II Class Cruiser

PostPosted: Wed Sep 30, 2009 3:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, Hocus and Shilds holding hands? That's about a complete reversal from when they first met, one catch, if you have any throwing the PDA book out the window stuff at least have them married. Other than that my only other comment is that you spelled "talked" "tocked" instead. Another great chapter even if it's a smidge short.
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