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Five Marines, One Pilot, a Halo Ring, and a Shit load of Cov

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 11, 2004 2:51 pm    Post subject: Five Marines, One Pilot, a Halo Ring, and a Shit load of Cov Reply with quote

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Five Marines, One Pilot, a Halo Ring, and a Shit load of Covenant Forces.
Posted by Mark Lieberg (malieberg@msn.com)
11 December 2004, 1:27 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=mark_lieberg.1211041327053.html
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HoZ
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
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Location: Tyrone, PA (HA I'M POOR)

PostPosted: Sat Dec 11, 2004 8:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

nice
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MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 12, 2004 6:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm not big on long ANs unless it is at the beginning of a series. For one, you explained part of the story with it; which is not the way to go. Plot explenation should be done within the story itself.

Make sure to capitalize those proper nouns.
Well, you need to work on your descriptions. The story sounded more like you were trying to tell us about it all, instead of showing it to us with details. Work on that. Get things flowing better, too. The way you had it, it went by way to fast, and not much was explained.
Other than that, you just have to work on little problems like grammar and spelling and the such.

Overall, it was alright, but still keep working to improve. 'Cause after that, you get to learn some more, and improve some more. (I never said this was easy; I never said it was quick, either.)
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SYSTEM
The Hammer


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3743
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Sun Dec 12, 2004 11:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mark, you've jumped up four rungs on the ladder since I last saw you.

A couple type-o's, but I generally disregard them. When you hit another four notches, then type-o's count.

Looks good. A crashed ship, a team of marines marooned in a hostile environment with dwindling supplies, the plot looks good, and you've kept enough windows open to keep us all guessing.

You've got a promising career, Mark.

- Dave.
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Mark Lieberg
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Joined: 12 Nov 2004
Posts: 770
Location: South Korea

PostPosted: Mon Dec 13, 2004 6:23 am    Post subject: adsf Reply with quote

Thanks Dave. Well i just got back from school. Hate it. Anyways. MC I was trying to like. Describ the background for the characters sort of. Well yeah. I will work harder.

As Master Yoda said on Star Wars V---"Try? No...no try. Do or do not."

Well. I will work on the next one tomarow. Thanks for reading. I might not post my other series till a later date though. Because of all the grammer and all that. Well thanks for the help. I think ESN, MC, and Dave only help me.

Any ways. Thanks guys? How old are you any ways? Pm then. See ya.

Just to let you know
Carrer? That wil happen in the next what? Seven or Eight years cause i am only 13 in 8th Grade. Well thanks. Bye bye.
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Mark Lieberg
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"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"
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Mark Lieberg
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Joined: 12 Nov 2004
Posts: 770
Location: South Korea

PostPosted: Tue Dec 14, 2004 6:32 am    Post subject: asf Reply with quote

By the way. Dave. What do you mean 4 nochtes? Is that a good think to becoming a better writer? Or is it a bad thing and telling me to work harder? Sorry. Just wondering. Sometimes i dont know what you are talking about. LOL.

**slap self**
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Mark Lieberg
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"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"
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