HBO Fan Fiction

[hboff]

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Scoop - Chapter Two: Bravo Sec
Posted by kr142616 (kr142616@aim.com)
4 September 2009, 4:57 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=kr1426160904090457581.html

[Jake Trommer]

Very nice work, kr, you've got quite the knack for being able to establish characters without resorting to lengthy paragraphs to do so. Unlike me.
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Sir Isaac Newton is the DEADLIEST SON OF A BITCH IN SPACE!

[kabu]

Yay! Chapter 2!

A great continuation of the first chapter, this is really great stuff. You might be making Hayes a bit too much of a jackass, but he's still a good character. Tight description, great action, creative characters, the works.
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[kr1]

Thanks for the comments, guys.

Phae said telling where everyone was in relation to each other was a bit confusing, though, so I whipped up a quick map. It's pretty similar to what I used for myself.

http://img268.imageshack.us/img268/7830/bravosecmap2.jpg

A is Quitidamo, Cadwaller, and Katsaros.
B is Ward, Rhee, and two characters who haven't appeared yet, Harb and al-Malaki.
C is Salbatore, Winger, and Diez.
D is Hayes, Lewis, and Giles.

All the blue dots are Covenant, the boxes are Warthogs.
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[Arthur Wellesley]

Good work, kr. You did an excellent job maintaining the intensity of battle, infusing every scene with a frenetic energy that made for some fun reading. The split perspective worked pretty well here; I enjoyed reading about one thing happening, and then seeing it unfold from an alternate perspective. As an action piece, this worked very well.

I'm a little concerned about the reporter angle, though. First off: be wary of making an unlikeable main character. While you can certainly make him abhorrent, you must insure that your audience has some investment in him. So far, Hayes comes across as an intensely unlikeable douche. Secondly, I found the whole concept under-utilized. This has a really interesting angle, that so far has been limited to brief asides describing Hayes' delight at the footage. I think you can find a way to work it into the story in a more exciting way.

Overall, though, I enjoyed myself with this one. Good work, and I'll look forward to more.

- Arthur
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Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017

[kr1]

Thanks, Arthur! I realize I'm not utilizing Hayes much for now, and he seems to be coming off as more unlikeable than I intended. The former is temporary, and introducing so many characters at once is going to detract a bit from Hayes. After the next chapter the story should be more focused on him again, though. The latter, like I said, was unintentional. I didn't want Hayes to be an instantly likeable guy, and I think several of the marines' gut reactions because of his job added to the general impression. I'll try toning that back a bit.

I wanna stress that he'll get plenty of use, though. What I've written so far was intended to be a single-chapter prologue that ended up being enough for three. Once that's over the move to the main story shouldn't take to long, and Hayes will play a much bigger rol than just the guy to protect.
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