HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

This Is What We Get For Trust | Part 3

Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Site Admin

Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4377

PostPosted: Fri Sep 04, 2009 11:13 am    Post subject: This Is What We Get For Trust | Part 3 Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

This Is What We Get For Trust | Part 3
Posted by Rtas Vadumee (
2 September 2009, 12:35 am
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
IRC Channel Operator

Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 435
Location: UNSC Frigate September

PostPosted: Mon Sep 07, 2009 6:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I haven't read the first two chapters, but I thought I'd jump in and give this a look. Overall, your GPS is pretty solid, which is always a good sign. A few spelling mistakes, just make sure to check that in Word or something with a spellchecker.

The author's note at the beginning was a bit of a turn-off, though. If you need to explain something like switching POV, then you haven't pulled it off well enough. There are easier ways to pull it off than what you've done. My personal favorite is italics without capitalization. If you're doing train-of-thought, removing punctuation is nifty, too.

The other problem I've got is that this goes by way too fast. We've got what seems to be a recap from Mark, but really, it doesn't help the reader understand much of anything at all. All I got is that Mark was on Reach, and now he isn't.

Your writing is decent, but the story is a bit jumbled and I'm having a hard time making sense of it. Spend a bit more time showing us what's going on next time. Wink
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
IRC Channel Operator

Joined: 09 May 2009
Posts: 77
Location: The Dark Tower of NW10

PostPosted: Mon Sep 07, 2009 8:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've read it, tried to write something as polite as kr's critique, and failed. So I'm going to be blunt. Normally, something's OK but with a major flaw, I'll say it's got an elephant in the room. This isn't an elephant in the room - it's practically a fucking zoo.

First of all, regardless of the author's note (which is a personal pet peeve), POV switching from first to third person and vice versa is not good. Not good at all.

Occasionally, embedding a person's stream of consciousness works well in a piece - but only if it's used sparingly. For example:

Smith edged around the corner, peering tentatively around the brickwork.

Jesus, what the fuck is that?

His pulse quickened as the creature... no, alien... no, thing turned about and gazed at him, suspended in mid-air, its single eye gleaming, piercing, staring. Keep calm, he told himself.

You'll note that the point of view never changed, but the stream of consciousness still fitted in perfectly.

Now for Elephant Number Two. Your main character is a Mary Sue. If you don't know what one is, put simply, it's a character who is "special" and often idealised and ends up sucking the potential out of the story, voraciously. All the other characters are cardboard cutouts that move around the Sue.

Elephant #3: the narrative feels very contrived. For example, this paragraph.

The metal clad giant hesitantly sat and began to tell an epic tale of how he came to land on the ship, "Well.. To begin with my name is Mark. I was stationed on Reach and my team and I were doing fine until they begand galssing. It was a 3 person strike team. Linsey, Jake, and I. I lost both Lindsey and Jake, but managed to escape by hiding in the back area of a Wraith, which for some reason powered up and began shooting at other Wraiths. I soon hopped out and ran for a tractor beam which brought me into a cargo ship. I began to learn that despite I weigh half a ton in the armour, I can be stealthier than most cloaked Elites. I started a one man guerilla assualt on the ship, eventually destroying the bridge. The blast sent me floting all this way because I caculated where I would go if I stood on the outside of the bridge, which ended up being you ship.."

Aside from the various typos and spelling errors, the narrative progresses far too fast and with nowhere near enough detail.

Also, the bits I've highlighted in bold at the beginning of said paragraph are extreme examples of spoon-feeding, or telling instead of showing. We already know he's a metal-clad giant, and you could have said that far more effectively with something like this:

With a forced grunt of effort, he hesitantly raised himself on to his elbows.

Also, it's our decision to decide whether or not his tale is "epic". We don't need to be told. It sounds contrived and childish.

I'm finding very little to like about this story. You have, mercifully, avoided falling into the common trap of producing something that is complete and utter bollocks (viz. so bad, it has comic value), but this is still not particularly good. My advice to you to improve would be:

  1. Show, don't tell.
  2. Proofread.
  3. Be prepared to kill the baby - i.e. if something is turning stale, abandon it.
  4. Take your time and be more descriptive. Telling a story in five hundred words has nowhere near the impact the same story would have if it were told in five thousand.

The Elitist Bastard | Writing is the business of professional turd-polishing.
"(don't take this review too seriously) If you doubt this is possible, how is it there are PYGMIES + DWARFS??"
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum

Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group