HBO Fan Fiction

[hboff]

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Waiting for the Dawn
Posted by 4642 Elitist Bastard (4642eb@googlemail.com)
28 August 2009, 10:59 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=4642_Elitist0828091059001.html

[kabu]

Gaaaaaaaaaaaay

*cough*

Anyway, I really like this one - it's very much a character piece, my favorite kind. Captain Wan, in particular, is a really great character. I'm not sure why the captain is being so stubborn, but it's believable and you sell it really well. Idle is a great AI character too.

Also.

[Arthur Wellesley]

Good work, eb. It's a solid introduction to the coming action - the content really fits the title here. Everyone's gearing up for battle, and it seems like the writing style matches it, gearing up and getting progressively more tense as it goes on. I enjoyed the mysterious build up, with ships popping up on distant radar and strange, half-translated messages being intercepted. It had almost a submarine feel to it - the crewmembers are all cut off from the outside, and are going in blind to face an unknown threat.

That said, while you built the tension well, the same cannot be said equally for your characters. As this was a setup to coming events, I feel like I ought to have gotten to know your characters better, particularly Wan, as space for such characterization will be at a premium once the action starts. As much time as was allotted to her, I still don't feel like I have a good handle on her. While your characters seem generally likeable, I would have liked more depth.

At any rate, I enjoyed reading this, and I anticipate what you have coming for us, eb. Great job.

BTW:

[Chuckles]

I'm impressed by how confidently you handle the sci-fi jargon in this chapter. Here's a bit I thought was good:

[eb4642]

Thanks for all your comments, everyone.

I think you can mostly blame Phae for at least some of the new, improved technobabble (he has shamelessly been my scientific advisor throughout this chapter's gestation period.)

Chuckles, yes, it does meander about a lot... but then again, I think Idle is just being persistent. In hindsight, it probably could've waited another week to iron out those little niggles with the reuse of the same metaphor.

Reading it back, the comments about the plot flow are entirely justified: however, speaking from personal experience, if someone is doing something wrong and is incredibly stubborn about it, persuading them to do it differently is incredibly repetitive and often feels like fighting a losing battle. That's just the way I had planned it, and I can see where you're coming from.

Arthur... yes, characterisation could also have been improved. However, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by how much characterisation can be squeezed into a battle sequence. There's a lot more potential in there than one could see at first sight. Of course, I could screw it up royally... but we'll have to wait and see.

[fallschirmjager]

Yaoi... Not my thing.

However quite enjoyed this. I also enjoy good one on one character pieces and it seems you've put a lot of effort into your characters.

Quite enjoy it, I'll definitely catch the next chapter.
_________________
We lie beneath the stars at night, our hands gripping each other tight.

Will you keep my secrets hope to die?

[eb4642]

[fallschirmjager]