HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

Waiting for the Dawn

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
hboff
Site Admin


Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4355

PostPosted: Fri Aug 28, 2009 3:21 pm    Post subject: Waiting for the Dawn Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

Waiting for the Dawn
Posted by 4642 Elitist Bastard (4642eb@googlemail.com)
28 August 2009, 10:59 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=4642_Elitist0828091059001.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
kabu
IRC Channel Operator


Joined: 18 Oct 2008
Posts: 204
Location: Nowhere in particular.

PostPosted: Mon Aug 31, 2009 7:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Gaaaaaaaaaaaay

*cough*

Anyway, I really like this one - it's very much a character piece, my favorite kind. Captain Wan, in particular, is a really great character. I'm not sure why the captain is being so stubborn, but it's believable and you sell it really well. Idle is a great AI character too.

Also.
Quote:
William Kabus

Hmm.... probably just a coincidence, eh?
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Arthur Wellesley
Member


Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 306
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Tue Sep 01, 2009 4:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good work, eb. It's a solid introduction to the coming action - the content really fits the title here. Everyone's gearing up for battle, and it seems like the writing style matches it, gearing up and getting progressively more tense as it goes on. I enjoyed the mysterious build up, with ships popping up on distant radar and strange, half-translated messages being intercepted. It had almost a submarine feel to it - the crewmembers are all cut off from the outside, and are going in blind to face an unknown threat.

That said, while you built the tension well, the same cannot be said equally for your characters. As this was a setup to coming events, I feel like I ought to have gotten to know your characters better, particularly Wan, as space for such characterization will be at a premium once the action starts. As much time as was allotted to her, I still don't feel like I have a good handle on her. While your characters seem generally likeable, I would have liked more depth.

At any rate, I enjoyed reading this, and I anticipate what you have coming for us, eb. Great job.

BTW:

Quote:
"Nina," Kabus said, positioning himself in front of her, "I'm a doctor, not a strategist.


Nice.

- Arthur
_________________
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Chuckles
Member


Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI

PostPosted: Fri Sep 04, 2009 5:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm impressed by how confidently you handle the sci-fi jargon in this chapter. Here's a bit I thought was good:
Quote:
"We've just received a data dump from a Slipspace probe that was in deep space, and something has been found approaching at minus fourteen degrees, twenty-four minutes, nineteen seconds from forty-one point nine degrees out of the ecliptic."

"What is it?"

"A group of seven radio shadows."

"Show me."

Mandella struck a few keys and wormed his trackball around, and opened a loupe window showing a tiny region of space. Seven objects, tiny, disk-shaped, squashed perhaps more cigar-shaped than disk-shaped were visible against the noise of the background.

As usual, your writing is pretty smooth, but this felt like it needed some more proofreading. For example, you said that Wan felt her heart rate spike or rise three times in a span of 375 words--and the last two were within a few sentences of each other. Not a big deal really, but that's the sort of little thing (what I call a literary speed bump) that can pull the reader out of the story.

I didn't feel like this chapter moved enough. Very little seems to happen with the characters or plot from start to finish. Things moved forward a bit at the beginning (discover Covies are hitting the planet; Captain writes battle plan) but then you seemed to grind away at the same stuff for the rest of the chapter. Captain Wan and Idle have pretty much the same conversation twice; at 23:13 and 1:24. In between that she goes and talks to the Medic at 0:41 (nice Bones tie-in, by the way) and he tells her about the same thing in a nicer way. I kind of felt like Sir Lancelot (John Cleese) in Monty Pythons Holy Grail, running and running towards the castle but never really getting any closer. Sure, Lancelot made it in the end, but that's not important.

Overall I was disappointed with this chapter. It did not flow as well as your writing usually does and the plot seemed to rehash itself after Wan's discussion with Idle at 23:13. That said, you're one of my new favorites on here and I'm looking forward to your next submission.

C.T. Clown
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
eb4642
IRC Channel Operator


Joined: 09 May 2009
Posts: 77
Location: The Dark Tower of NW10

PostPosted: Fri Sep 04, 2009 6:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for all your comments, everyone.

I think you can mostly blame Phae for at least some of the new, improved technobabble (he has shamelessly been my scientific advisor throughout this chapter's gestation period.)

Chuckles, yes, it does meander about a lot... but then again, I think Idle is just being persistent. Wink In hindsight, it probably could've waited another week to iron out those little niggles with the reuse of the same metaphor.

Reading it back, the comments about the plot flow are entirely justified: however, speaking from personal experience, if someone is doing something wrong and is incredibly stubborn about it, persuading them to do it differently is incredibly repetitive and often feels like fighting a losing battle. That's just the way I had planned it, and I can see where you're coming from.

Arthur... yes, characterisation could also have been improved. However, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by how much characterisation can be squeezed into a battle sequence. There's a lot more potential in there than one could see at first sight. Of course, I could screw it up royally... but we'll have to wait and see.

kabu wrote:
Quote:
William Kabus

Hmm.... probably just a coincidence, eh?


I HONESTLY ABSOLUTELY AND CATEGORICALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHERE YOU GOT THAT NOTION FROM. AT ALL. [/official statement]
_________________
The Elitist Bastard | Writing is the business of professional turd-polishing.
"(don't take this review too seriously) If you doubt this is possible, how is it there are PYGMIES + DWARFS??"
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
fallschirmjager
Member


Joined: 24 Sep 2004
Posts: 262
Location: The girls bathroom.

PostPosted: Fri Sep 04, 2009 8:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yaoi... Not my thing.

However quite enjoyed this. I also enjoy good one on one character pieces and it seems you've put a lot of effort into your characters.

Quite enjoy it, I'll definitely catch the next chapter.
_________________
We lie beneath the stars at night, our hands gripping each other tight.

Will you keep my secrets hope to die?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
eb4642
IRC Channel Operator


Joined: 09 May 2009
Posts: 77
Location: The Dark Tower of NW10

PostPosted: Fri Sep 04, 2009 10:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

fallschirmjager wrote:
Yaoi... Not my thing.


Pretty rich from someone who has two girls snogging in his signature, one of whom was allegedly a man in the first place... Razz
_________________
The Elitist Bastard | Writing is the business of professional turd-polishing.
"(don't take this review too seriously) If you doubt this is possible, how is it there are PYGMIES + DWARFS??"
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
fallschirmjager
Member


Joined: 24 Sep 2004
Posts: 262
Location: The girls bathroom.

PostPosted: Fri Sep 04, 2009 11:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

eb4642 wrote:
fallschirmjager wrote:
Yaoi... Not my thing.


Pretty rich from someone who has two girls snogging in his signature, one of whom was allegedly a man in the first place... Razz


Low man.

Low.

Besides, they were both guys to begin with.

Oh yeah, burn... wait.

Shit.
_________________
We lie beneath the stars at night, our hands gripping each other tight.

Will you keep my secrets hope to die?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group