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Nai Gor (chapter two): Painkiller

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 28, 2009 3:21 pm    Post subject: Nai Gor (chapter two): Painkiller Reply with quote

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Nai Gor (chapter two): Painkiller
Posted by Chuckles
28 August 2009, 5:51 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Chuckles0828090551051.html
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 28, 2009 3:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh come ON, CTC! We spoke about this on the phone! We were going to stage our comebacks on DIFFERENT WEEKS. Now I'm just embarrassed.

GOD, you are dark. The cat-and-mouse games between nai gor and Donnadio always intrigue me, and as usual you pull us in with just enough information to assuage the hunger, but never satisfy completely.

Just what the hell IS this thing?

The cliffhanger with Solon was amazing. You're setting us up for an apocalyptic scenario INSIDE a ship, and I can't wait for that.

Great to have you back, Chuckles.
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 29, 2009 4:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good god, man, this was excellent. I mean, really top-notch heart-wrenching tortuously excellent. Nai Gor is one of the most disturbing characters I've ever read. This bit in particular sticks with me:
Quote:
"Commander, you're obviously tired and I'm being far too bland. Let me put it another way. 'To catch a saint, with a saint I bait my hook.' I dangle it before your sentimental eyes and you follow. And if common sense tells you to stop, it makes no difference because the love for your dead friend will goad you on and strangle reason. Once you finally recognize what you've done it will be too late. The hook will be set. 'Most dangerous is that temptation that doth goad us on to sin in loving virtue.'"


The kick in the ending makes it even worse.

Now write chapter three sooner rather than later!
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Sterfrye36
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 31, 2009 4:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Man, I don't envy whoever has to do the fic pick. Chuck and Az in the same week. Man alive, that's a tough call!

Anyways, let me reiterate what I once said on one of your other stories. You are one of a handful of folks on this site who can get me to click on your story and read it through in one sitting. You're that good.

Super as per usual, amigo. Flow is tight as usual, but the scenes that got me the most were the flamethrower scene and the final one. You're very good at knowing when not to describe something. Rather than describe the soldier's death, you leave it to our imagination, something far more chilling. Then you reverse that at the very end and describe it perfectly. I considered shutting off my laptop before I went to bed thanks to you. I see its power light blinking and I begin to get suspicious... Razz
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 31, 2009 6:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry this took so long. The next chapter will be up much quicker, I promise. In fact, I have it about 90% completed in my head and am on vacation (at home) this week. So I hope to get the majority of it done in the next seven days. Anyway, it will be weeks, not months.

Azrael wrote:
Quote:
Oh come ON, CTC! We spoke about this on the phone! We were going to stage our comebacks on DIFFERENT WEEKS. Now I'm just embarrassed.
We seem to hit the same weeks a lot, which is remarkable given the modest output we've had in the last year or so. Luck of the Irish, I guess.

Quote:
GOD, you are dark. The cat-and-mouse games between nai gor and Donnadio always intrigue me, and as usual you pull us in with just enough information to assuage the hunger, but never satisfy completely.
Writing conversations where information must be shared without giving away too much has been a constant struggle. It helps that I've all but finished the plot in my head and that I really do know who/what Nai Gor is.

Quote:
The cliffhanger with Solon was amazing.
Thanks. There's obviously a lot more to this, and it will be revealed in the next/last/third (take your pick, they all apply) chapter. It has become one of my favorite plot points.

Thanks for the comment, Az.


Kabu wrote:
Quote:
Nai Gor is one of the most disturbing characters I've ever read.
He is very disturbing. He's so bent, in fact, that getting into his head to write the conversations has been a bit of a trick. At the same time, he's become one of my favorite characters. From a behavioral standpoint, he's free to go anywhere.

Quote:
The kick in the ending makes it even worse.
Glad it worked. As I said above, the thing between Solon and Nai Gor is one of my favorite parts of the story.

Quote:
Now write chapter three sooner rather than later!
I have the entire week off and I plan to get most if not all of it done, in rough form anyway. Thanks for the comments.


Sterfrye wrote:
Quote:
the scenes that got me the most were the flamethrower scene and the final one. You're very good at knowing when not to describe something. Rather than describe the soldier's death, you leave it to our imagination, something far more chilling. Then you reverse that at the very end and describe it perfectly.
Good observation. I hadn't even realized that I'd done it one way and then the other until I read your comment. I'll explain the reasoning behind it, in case anyone is interested. A heavily detailed description of the carnage at the end of the scene with Nai Gor and the officers would have deflated it. We already know that Nai Gor is evil and enjoys seeing people die, so describing it would develop nothing. Furthermore, the gratuitous details would harm pacing and thus drain hard won tension from the scene. Solon, on the other hand, is not evil and therefore the "gory details" are necessary to provide contrast and thus tension.

Your laptop sounds suspicious, Ster. I'd turn it off, or at the very least keep it away from your life-support system. Good luck, man.

C.T. Clown
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Sterfrye36
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 31, 2009 10:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Chuckles wrote:
Your laptop sounds suspicious, Ster. I'd turn it off, or at the very least keep it away from your life-support system. Good luck, man.

C.T. Clown


I drop it down some stairs occasionally, just to let it know who's boss.
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 01, 2009 12:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Chuckles: you may be the most efficacious writer on HBOFF. You always produce the desired effect. Here that effect was singular and overwhelming. This was chilling to the bone.

The intro, as usual, did an excellent job at setting the tone while conveying some important information. People simply dying in their sleep was made as terrifying - if not more so - than if crewmembers were found dismembered throughout the ship. The doctor's plausible but obviously incorrect diagnosis was a good touch as well, showing a logical mind trying to make sense of illogical circumstances.

My favorite scene, though, was the dream sequence. I really felt like I was there. It was described at just the right level, leaving it indistinct enough to allow the bleariness of a dream to remain while casting broad and colorful strokes of a fairy-tale village. Most impressive, though, was the fact that you sent chills up my spine without ever including anything overtly scary in the scene. It's like you infused the scene with a sense of gentle forboding that never climaxed, leaving us with the same chill for the rest of the story. That you were able to do this with style alone is a testament to your skill as a writer. It was a brilliantly crafted scene.

Nai Gor is a character of pure evil. I enjoyed that he was not featured directly as much as the last chapter, but was incessantly talked about. Solon's theories as to his origins and Donnadio's oblique attempts to reach him added to the mystery and the terror of the character without risking overexposure and a potential acclimation to his quirks. Solon's comment about his mind being like the size of the ship almost seemed palpable, as if Nai Gor was the ship, lurking around every corner. I really enjoyed the treatment of him in this chapter.

I don't really have a complaint here, though if pressed, I would say that the cut to Hooks and Richards was a little abrupt and under-realized. That Hooks has gone mad is unnerving, but his reintroduction was so quick I wasn't thinking "Jesus, poor Hooks" so much as "who the hell is Hooks again?" It made the penultimate scene a little less effective than it otherwise might have been. Part of this, however, might be due to the wide breadth between this chapter and the previous one.

Of course you ended on the perfect note. The insidious nature of his corruption was wonderfully chilling.

Fantastic work, Chuckles. I can't wait for the conclusion.

- Arthur
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 01, 2009 4:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Arthur Wellesley wrote:

The intro, as usual, did an excellent job at setting the tone while conveying some important information. People simply dying in their sleep was made as terrifying - if not more so - than if crewmembers were found dismembered throughout the ship.


Sorry, had to at 2:04. Razz
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 04, 2009 12:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was chilling. Absolutely chilling. I mean, the ending--damn, that sets the stage for all sorts of shit. You've given us just enough to keep us satisfied while still wanting more. I don't have much to say that hasn't been said, just that there were a couple of GPS errors. But man, this was great.
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 04, 2009 6:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Arthur wrote:
Quote:
My favorite scene, though, was the dream sequence. I really felt like I was there. It was described at just the right level, leaving it indistinct enough to allow the bleariness of a dream to remain while casting broad and colorful strokes of a fairy-tale village. Most impressive, though, was the fact that you sent chills up my spine without ever including anything overtly scary in the scene. It's like you infused the scene with a sense of gentle forboding that never climaxed, leaving us with the same chill for the rest of the story. That you were able to do this with style alone is a testament to your skill as a writer. It was a brilliantly crafted scene.
Thanks, Arthur. I really appreciated this comment, because I was not sure if that scene came off as intended.

Quote:
Nai Gor is a character of pure evil. I enjoyed that he was not featured directly as much as the last chapter, but was incessantly talked about. Solon's theories as to his origins and Donnadio's oblique attempts to reach him added to the mystery and the terror of the character without risking overexposure and a potential acclimation to his quirks. Solon's comment about his mind being like the size of the ship almost seemed palpable, as if Nai Gor was the ship, lurking around every corner. I really enjoyed the treatment of him in this chapter.
This was another concern of mine. When I finished I feared that I had too little Nai Gor in the chapter. I went back looking for a good place to add another scene between Nai Gor and Mike and found nothing. Then I decided to lengthen the one conversation they did have, but every time I tried it seemed wrong. So yeah, I really tried to commit "overexposure" but somehow caught a break Wink

Quote:
I don't really have a complaint here, though if pressed, I would say that the cut to Hooks and Richards was a little abrupt and under-realized. That Hooks has gone mad is unnerving, but his reintroduction was so quick I wasn't thinking "Jesus, poor Hooks" so much as "who the hell is Hooks again?" It made the penultimate scene a little less effective than it otherwise might have been. Part of this, however, might be due to the wide breadth between this chapter and the previous one.
You're right on both counts. It was an abrupt re-introduction, and the fact that many months passed between this and the first chapter made it seem even more abrupt. Heck, I'm glad people still remember who Nai Gor is, let alone these two guys who showed up for a few lines of dialogue last Christmas.

Quote:
The insidious nature of his corruption was wonderfully chilling. Fantastic work, Chuckles. I can't wait for the conclusion.
Glad it worked, and you won't have to wait long. The final chapter is coming out in weeks, not months. Thanks for the review, Arthur.

Phædrus wrote:
Quote:
This was chilling. Absolutely chilling. I mean, the ending--damn, that sets the stage for all sorts of shit. You've given us just enough to keep us satisfied while still wanting more. I don't have much to say that hasn't been said, just that there were a couple of GPS errors. But man, this was great.
Especially happy to hear that the ending worked. I liked it a lot myself, but you never know. Thanks for reading and dropping a comment.

C.T. Clown
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 04, 2009 6:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yikes, Chuckles... this is evil, plain and simple. Unmitigated, terrifying, chilling... evil. I didn't think it was possible for something to be more twisted than some of Sev's work... but I've been proved wrong.

Nai Gor, in particular, is like the Antichrist dressed as Death knocking at your front door to present you with a gift of decapitated kittens. I can't be the only one noticing a... um... similarity between him and two AIs in a certain Bungie video game named after a long-distance running event.

Fabulous work, Chuckles. I would say I'm looking forward to your next chapter... but I fear that if I said that, I'd be picked up by the police and put in Broadmoor mental institution for being a danger to the public. Wink
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 06, 2009 8:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

eb4642 wrote:
Quote:
Yikes, Chuckles... this is evil, plain and simple. Unmitigated, terrifying, chilling... evil. I didn't think it was possible for something to be more twisted than some of Sev's work... but I've been proved wrong.
Sev is one of my favorite writers. He's extremely talented and willing to go places most people don't even want to think about.

Quote:
Nai Gor, in particular, is like the Antichrist dressed as Death knocking at your front door to present you with a gift of decapitated kittens. I can't be the only one noticing a... um... similarity between him and two AIs in a certain Bungie video game named after a long-distance running event.
I know absolutely nothing about the game Marathon, and based on your comment I suspect that's a good thing. I wouldn't even have known it was a Bungie product except that for a short time we had a Marathon theme for our gaming group's Bungie page.

Quote:
Fabulous work, Chuckles. I would say I'm looking forward to your next chapter... but I fear that if I said that, I'd be picked up by the police and put in Broadmoor mental institution for being a danger to the public.
A close friend called me up after reading this chapter and accused me of being sick and twisted ... and then told me that she absolutely loved it. A common question I get (especially from those who know me) is where does this stuff come from. Well, I've suffered from sleep disorders all of my life, and consequently grew up with many vivid, horrifying nightmares. There is a certain kind of nightmare that is common to sleep disorders that they call a sleep terror. It goes like this: you wake up paralyzed (our brains paralyze us during sleep which keeps us from acting out our dreams--but it isn't supposed to continue once you wake up) and even though your eyes are open, the nightmare continues. This experience is so terrifyingly real that they sometimes get reported as attacks by ghosts or evil spirits. As someone who went through it hundreds of times, I can completely understand such a reaction. Fortunately it is not ghostly or supernatural, but merely a disorder. And, I might add, great fodder for writing.

Thanks for the comment, eb.

C.T. Clown
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