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Rogues Chapter One

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4378

PostPosted: Fri Aug 28, 2009 3:20 pm    Post subject: Rogues Chapter One Reply with quote

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Rogues Chapter One
Posted by Henshore1 (toemouse1@mac.com)
25 August 2009, 11:29 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Henshore10825092329071.html
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eb4642
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Joined: 09 May 2009
Posts: 77
Location: The Dark Tower of NW10

PostPosted: Fri Aug 28, 2009 8:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Let's see.

  • Grammar, spelling and punctuation (GSP): terrible. What happened to paragraphing? The paragraph is this fabulous invention that allows you to break the text to make the narrative more readable.
  • Killing off a redshirt in the first sentence: incredibly bad. Very, very bad.
  • SPARTAN-IV project: massive, massive, massive cliché.
  • Besides, if the SPARTAN-IV project was executed in precisely the same way as the S-II project (as your fic states), Stevens wouldn't have a surname, and would be known as Spartan-somenumber.
  • If you don't know what a Mary-Sue is, you've got one in Stevens. He suffers profusely from Barbie Doll syndrome (an example of this is "Princess Barbie has a medical degree. When she's not saving the lives of humans, she's cooking meals at her favourite Michelin-star restaurant and saving the lives of pets everywhere!"), and generally comes across as implausibly perfect.
  • The style is appalling. This sentence: "It was similar to your standard shotty, just took more ammo and packed a bigger punch." is particularly poor - besides being an example of weapon wankery, it is unnecessarily conversational for a piece of military sci-fi.


I'm sorry if you feel offended, like I'm flaming you, or feel that I've been unduly harsh. The fact is, I believe (and I'm sure many other people do too) that most of what I've said is completely true.
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"(don't take this review too seriously) If you doubt this is possible, how is it there are PYGMIES + DWARFS??"
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