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Babylon HIgh Day 2

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 28, 2009 3:20 pm    Post subject: Babylon HIgh Day 2 Reply with quote

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Babylon HIgh Day 2
Posted by Shurmanator (dyshurman@gmail.com)
27 August 2009, 1:23 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Shurmanator0827091323291.html
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kabu
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 31, 2009 7:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm a little less enthusiastic about this one. This is well-written and delightful as always, but you seem to be heading away from comedy into drama with a snarky narrator. Please, please don't ask us to take this seriously. Throw in something weird and funny, just to liven things up. We're 2.5 chapters in, and I understand this is still the introduction, but I'd like to see a plot develop. Hopefully "overcoming high-school bullies" is not the entirety of the plot.
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Shurmanator
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 01, 2009 12:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

kabu wrote:
I'm a little less enthusiastic about this one. This is well-written and delightful as always, but you seem to be heading away from comedy into drama with a snarky narrator. Please, please don't ask us to take this seriously. Throw in something weird and funny, just to liven things up. We're 2.5 chapters in, and I understand this is still the introduction, but I'd like to see a plot develop. Hopefully "overcoming high-school bullies" is not the entirety of the plot.


Wow, to tell you the truth, that surprises me. I thought I was moving more into comedy with this part, trying to keep it away from a set story. The fact that I went in the complete opposite direction from what I was going for really means I have to re-think my version of comedy.
Well, if you want something weird and funny, I could always expand on the "chocolate" thing...
No, no, I wouldn't do that. That's just too weird.
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kabu
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 01, 2009 4:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Don't get me wrong, there is plenty of comedy - the slapstick with the combat class was priceless and had me laughing. It's just that I have a lot of trouble buying the premise when I try to take it seriously.
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Shurmanator
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 01, 2009 5:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well thanks the advice, and "overcoming high school bullies" is by no means the entirety of the plot. In fact, I'm trying to faze it out of the story completely, but considering I unwisely introduced that particular theme in the first chapter, I'm going to have some trouble moving away from it.

I'm glad that it was at least funny, though. That's what I was aiming for with this chapter.
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kabu
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 01, 2009 5:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

If my first comment seemed harsh, it was more of a preemptive warning strike - this chapter was, indeed, funny and a pleasure to read. I am mostly saying that you should continue down the "funny" route and keep drama to a minimum. That's just my opinion, though, there are many who would disagree.
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