HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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Babylon HIgh Day 2
Posted by Shurmanator (dyshurman@gmail.com)
27 August 2009, 1:23 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Shurmanator0827091323291.html

kabu · Posted: Mon Aug 31, 2009 7:28 pm Post subject:

I'm a little less enthusiastic about this one. This is well-written and delightful as always, but you seem to be heading away from comedy into drama with a snarky narrator. Please, please don't ask us to take this seriously. Throw in something weird and funny, just to liven things up. We're 2.5 chapters in, and I understand this is still the introduction, but I'd like to see a plot develop. Hopefully "overcoming high-school bullies" is not the entirety of the plot.
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Shurmanator · Posted: Tue Sep 01, 2009 12:32 am Post subject:

kabu · Posted: Tue Sep 01, 2009 4:59 am Post subject:

Don't get me wrong, there is plenty of comedy - the slapstick with the combat class was priceless and had me laughing. It's just that I have a lot of trouble buying the premise when I try to take it seriously.
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Shurmanator · Posted: Tue Sep 01, 2009 5:24 pm Post subject:

Well thanks the advice, and "overcoming high school bullies" is by no means the entirety of the plot. In fact, I'm trying to faze it out of the story completely, but considering I unwisely introduced that particular theme in the first chapter, I'm going to have some trouble moving away from it.

I'm glad that it was at least funny, though. That's what I was aiming for with this chapter.
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Modern Machiavelli.

kabu · Posted: Tue Sep 01, 2009 5:42 pm Post subject:

If my first comment seemed harsh, it was more of a preemptive warning strike - this chapter was, indeed, funny and a pleasure to read. I am mostly saying that you should continue down the "funny" route and keep drama to a minimum. That's just my opinion, though, there are many who would disagree.
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