HBO Fan Fiction

[hboff]

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Prologue
Posted by Cpt Crapper (aznintegra023@yahoo.com)
11 December 2004, 2:46 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=cpt_crapper.1211040246351.html

[(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher]

I'm gonna be frank. It needed a little more detail, and Snake would of defanlly helped those Marines under attack. Code 41, Stanza 1 "We shall always help our men, with weapons nor wroth".
I remember Vice Admiral Cole put that one in.
But it was great otherwise.
_________________

"My appreciation for being quoted is being masked by my distaste for your incompetence, Gallagher" - Shrumertaor
Idea, Plot, Character, and Forum Signatures

[HoZ]

it was decent

[grrr]

thnx for the comments, i'll try a bit better in part 1

[Mark Lieberg]

Nice story. A little hard to read it if you dont use the code.

I will read the next posting of your story too. It was interesting.
_________________
Mark Lieberg
#179/1204
"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"

[MC's Cousin]

You need the Code.

First, I would like to say congrats on reading tFoR. But, from the way your story looks, you might want to go over it a couple more times.
Also, read the other books, too. Getting the whole picture in your head helps before you try to sketch it yourself.

Your title. What was up with it? "Prologue" may be an okay cover for this chapter, but you need to give us a series name so that we know what this is prologuing to.
Make sure to capitalize proper nouns.
Watch your tenses, too. I noticed a few places where your verb tenses differed.
Spell out numbers. It helps keep the story flowing. Numbers that are just things like 15, 20, 3, 10 look our of place when typed like that. But when spelled out - fifteen, twenty, three, ten - it blends in better. Now, stuff like times and bullet dimmentions, that sort of thing, can be typed in numbers; no problem.
I also thought that the way you presented your main character was interesting. One thing about ANs, is that some people (like you did) try to explain their story (where it is coming from, and where it is set) in their Author's Note. This is not a good thing. Incorporate that kind of thing into the writing itself. Include details into the narrative; whether it be through a characters thoughts, or just by an explanation that ties in with your current actions.
Further, about your character, I also thought it was interesting how you made him sound/look. You made him sound like a spy (ie- Sam Fisher) and not just an ONI operative. You need to tell us why he wears what he wears before you have him wear it. Everything must have a purpose in a well developed story; make sure you remember that.
You got real repetitive towards that landing. You used "LZ" in every paragraph, more than once. That kind of thing will start to stick out if you use it in rapid succession. So, use different terms and the such. Variety is key.

Action. You decided to use action. You don't have to. Action is not what makes a story good. Starting out with it can be okay (like in tFoR) to hook in the reader, but don't think you have to use it. I have seen many beginning without action that interested me. You just have to build suspense or emotion that makes the reader want to keep going on.
One way to test this is to write up what you think is good, and then hand it to a couple friends. Use their advice (and gauge their reactions) to see what you have to improve. If they don't get something, then you know you have to make it clear.
Suspense would have been your best ally. Stopping right after he had landed would have been a good thing (right after he starts forwards toward the Pelican crash). Then, in the next part, you could have included something unexpected. Like the Pelican could have crashed into a small group of Covenant, leaving only a couple survivors. Just be creative.

Details. Include more of them. They are what give us an idea of what things look like, sound like, feel like, and are like. Without details, we have nothing to base the characters, environments, and personalities off of. This is especially crucial during combat. When every detail counts.
Have you ever done anything with plastic explosive? I didn't think so. You only light fuses on stuff like dynamite or some other flame activated explosive. But stuff like C-4 is specifically made not to explode under flame or impact. It is supposed to detonate only with an electric charge. This is an example of story details not being correct. Make sure you get that kind of thing right, too.


Overall, this was pretty decent, but it could use some major improvement. Work hard to get all of your stuff worked out well. Keep writing.
_________________
-MCC

[(Na)Marl]

--Code. That's the first thing I can say. I cannot tell anyone how important it is (well, not that important, but it really helps.)
--Spell out your numbers. Most numbers should be spelled out. Numbers like 1237 are too long, but 15 isn't.
--During dialog, you need action. Don't make them say
"Mr. Pudding, how nice of you to come."

"I came for my grandfather's apple sauce."

"All in pudding time. Get it? Pudding time? AHAHAHAHAH! You're not laughing"
Say
Troublenipple smiled at Mr. Pudding. "Ah, Mr. Pudding," he said as a malevolent smile slithered onto his scarred face. "How nice of you to come.
Pudding glared at Troublenipple with an icy stare that said millions of words. "I came for my grandfathers apple sauce."
"All in pudding time. Get it?" Trouble nipple chuckled. "Pudding time?" He let out a great big laugh. The screech of his voice echoed through the marble room. He looked at Mr. Pudding, who just continued to stare at Troublenipple. "You're not laughing."

--That seems so much better.
--Snake. That sounds so familliar. Metal Gear Solid? Don't say stuff like Boom. Describing the sound seems more proffesional.
--That was a good story. You did a good job. 78/100.

[(Na)Marl]

--What's the tFoR?

[MC's Cousin]

*MCC hits (Na)Marl over the head with his "Smiting Hammer"*

Take that, demon!


Ehem.
Seriously; gamers (and internet-forum-goers) tend to abbreviate things. tFoR stands for the Fall of Reach. Lower case stuff is smaller; plus, it looks a hell of a lot cooler than "TFOR".
Halo: the Flood can be abbreviated as "tF" or "H:tF" or even "TF" is you wreally want to.
Halo: First Strike is real simple: "FS" or "H:FS".
_________________
-MCC

[(Na)Marl]

--Ow, , my head. You hurt me. But, Grandpa? Why? Why you get so violent?

[Commander Demitri Wolf]

[MasterSushi]

[(Na)Marl]

--Abbreviations rock! TRSBIGC! That stands for That Rocks So Bad I'm Gonna C[censored].