HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

Fic Pick of the Week (August 21st)

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Reviews
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
J. D. Ford
Member


Joined: 20 Sep 2007
Posts: 75
Location: Los Angeles, CA

PostPosted: Sun Aug 23, 2009 11:51 pm    Post subject: Fic Pick of the Week (August 21st) Reply with quote

Greetings, fellow writer-type persons! I am your humble reviewer-type person for this, the 83rd Fan Fiction Pick of the Week. We have four entries this update (two of which are from the same writer and series; they comprise one entry as far as this evaluation is considered…for my own devious purposes, obviously), and I am proud to say that they are, for the most part, of entirely acceptable quality and effort.

And now...for the BEHEADING!

Wait. Wrong script. Sorry! Sorry, everyone! Sorry! Where is that damned thing…ah! Here we are!

*ahem*

And now…for the Fan Fic Pick of the Week™


Honorable Mention: Halo 4 screenplay/story new edition by Spartan Shot
Because ‘4’ would look badass on the title screen…: This was a surprisingly valiant effort at a game script for the much speculated continuation of Master Chief’s storyline, albeit considerably shorter than most game scripts in existence. We shall call it ‘abbreviated,’ and mean nothing derogatory by the term. Spartan Shot has tried to deliver a dose of familiarity here, and we can’t ignore the power of nostalgia. On the other hand, much of the story he has chosen to tell draws as much from the Halo literature as it does from the previous games, and does so predictably at times. Given the context, this would pose a major problem if the script were to go anywhere beyond this level (which it won’t, so I’m not going to get into that). SS does a fairly good job of maintaining the personality of the characters, and his dialogue is actually pretty well written, though the scene descriptions are rather sparse. Now, I understand that screenplay format scene descriptions are supposed to be sparse, but there are significant portions of this script that could use some fleshing out. Moreover, if the literature is to be utilized so extensively, the behavior of specific characters should be looked at a bit more closely (one example...Dr. Halsey; I’m sure her reunion with her favorite Spartan would merit some dialogue, no matter how brief).

As I said, a good effort (crazy plot, but good effort), though one marred by frequent GPS hiccups and a slightly disorienting screenplay format. I’ll give you a piece of advice...double check everything before you submit. Especially if you want to get into screenwriting. Before sending out a screenplay for consideration, it should be as close to perfection as you and a host of helpful beta readers can make it. And for proper screenplay format (which would be a pain with the submission code, but awesome for readers, nonetheless), check out this site. As I said, more work. But so much easier to read, and far less confusing.

Keep at it. You understand three act structure fairly well, and definitely have a grasp of epic scope...even if it does make parts of this script a bit far-fetched.


Second Place: A God Among Demons: Prologue by (ENS) Rabid (Gallagher)
Ackerson’s back, baby!: Here comes a Rabid Original™ series, if my aching knees don’t deceive me. A whirlwind of letter headings and technical jargon. Acronyms and heated dialogue about an unknown, yet appropriately sinister, government project. GHOUL, eh? Armor, eh? Letters, eh? Eh, eh?

Sounds like a tough nut to crack. I must admit to some skepticism, but cannot deny the skill with which these (apparently) intercepted COM transmissions were crafted, and the weight of the story behind them. My only real admonition pertains to the GPS errors I picked up on throughout this submission. It’s so short that you really don’t have an excuse. Shame on you…

Razz

…And well done. Looking forward to the next installment (is it going to continue in correspondence format or move to more conventional storytelling form? Hmmm?)


And as for the (first time!) winner…

Fic Pick of the Week: Babylon High Day 1 (Parts I and II) by Shurmanator
Holy hormones, Batman!: High school was bad enough in the 21st-century. Shurmanator seems intent on taking us along for the ride long after the Second Great War ended. Since I’ve combined Parts I and II into one for this review/award/title/prize/critique/thing, I’ll start by saying that Part I begins a little roughly. I think the problem lies in the ratio of heavy exposition to light dialogue (and narrative voice). They don’t really match.

HOWEVER...your description is quite good, albeit a little overenthusiastic. Your dialogue is also strong, for the most part...although it does feel a bit forced or contrived at times. Not debilitating, but there are a few rough spots you might want to take a look at (mostly between the main character and his Sangheilli counterpart).

My only other real gripe is the heavy, formal style of writing at the beginning of Part I…which gives way to “the fucker sitting next to me” elements later on. This is a bit inconsistent. It sounds like your ‘voice’ (or the voice of the character ‘you’ are writing) is changing as the story progresses.

This and the previously mentioned rocky dialogue both stem from character identity issues. Make sure you know who they are, and let them write their own dialogue. Say it aloud to make sure it sounds as great as it reads. If you have a trusted friend with good taste in fiction (and, ideally, one who will refrain from laughing at you) read it to him/her, too. Knowing your characters and letting them develop into living, breathing identities within your imagination, is an important aspect of good storytelling.

Now for more praise. You’re pretty good at this, dude (and you’re damn good at formatting…most people take some time to get the hang of the HBO submission process, but you seem to have it trained to make you pancakes for breakfast).

I imagine it’s somewhat difficult to write what amounts to a high school drama set in the Halo universe (not to mention the time period you’ve chosen). In fact, I was very surprised to find myself enjoying it as much as I did. You have a great sense of humor wrapped up in Kenneth’s character. Don’t let it get smothered by the minutia of description/exposition. Lean on it, because it works, but make sure it’s within the proper context. From what I can see, your character development is one of the strongest aspects of your style.

Keep up the good work (and beware of overusing parenthetical interjections!).




A fairly light update, which does nothing to assuage the guilt I feel for not contributing as much as I should...in this review section AND THE BLOODY COMMENTS. Seriously, guys…I know we’re all busy as hell, but what’s wrong with us? We’re slipping, that’s what. Myself included. We must strive to do better in the near and far future. We owe it to ourselves and the newcomers who continue to pop up every week.

Semper Scri, carry on.


~J. D. Ford
_________________
He who does not like Halo:CE is a dirty shisno.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
kabu
IRC Channel Operator


Joined: 18 Oct 2008
Posts: 204
Location: Nowhere in particular.

PostPosted: Mon Aug 24, 2009 6:01 am    Post subject: Re: Fic Pick of the Week (August 21st) Reply with quote

I really like Babylon High, but it does smack as a bit of wish-fulfillment to me - kid is bullied, but has an 8-foot tall friend to bail him out. There's nothing wrong with that, a lot of great authors insert their own personal fantasies into their stories (Robert Jordan seems to have had a fondness for lesbian bondage, to pick an example). This can only become an issue if you start to write your character as a Mary Sue (or Gary Stu for a guy). So far, it's all good, this is just something to keep in mind

J. D. Ford wrote:

A fairly light update, which does nothing to assuage the guilt I feel for not contributing as much as I should...in this review section AND THE BLOODY COMMENTS. Seriously, guys…I know we’re all busy as hell, but what’s wrong with us? We’re slipping, that’s what. Myself included. We must strive to do better in the near and far future. We owe it to ourselves and the newcomers who continue to pop up every week.

Semper Scri, carry on.

~J. D. Ford


I've been trying to find an excuse to say that for a while...

comment on my ffpotw too! Yay!
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Reviews All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group