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Babylon High Day 1 (Part 2)

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 21, 2009 2:09 pm    Post subject: Babylon High Day 1 (Part 2) Reply with quote

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Babylon High Day 1 (Part 2)
Posted by Shurmanator (dyshurman@gmail.com)
19 August 2009, 1:27 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Shurmanator0819090127171.html
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kabu
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Joined: 18 Oct 2008
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 21, 2009 4:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just a general tip: It's better to combine chapters into one document than to submit two chapters of the same story at once.

Anyway, so far this isn't collapsing horribly, which is good. I still don't quite buy the concept, but I can suspend disbelief long enough for this to work. You continue to uphold your great writing style and let us into the head of your protagonist (literally, this time), and it works well.

The plot seems pretty standard for a high school drama, but the alien twist keeps it fresh and interesting. We'll see how it develops. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I think I may detect a hint of autobiography here...
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Shurmanator
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Joined: 14 Aug 2009
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 21, 2009 8:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

kabu wrote:
Just a general tip: It's better to combine chapters into one document than to submit two chapters of the same story at once.

Anyway, so far this isn't collapsing horribly, which is good. I still don't quite buy the concept, but I can suspend disbelief long enough for this to work. You continue to uphold your great writing style and let us into the head of your protagonist (literally, this time), and it works well.

The plot seems pretty standard for a high school drama, but the alien twist keeps it fresh and interesting. We'll see how it develops. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I think I may detect a hint of autobiography here...



Wow, thanks a lot for the review. I appreciate constructive criticism far more than simply "this is great" or "this sucks", and you've certainly helped me a lot.
Eventually this plot is going to go somewhere, for this first chapter I was just kind of getting a feel for the building and the setting, and this is the only time I'm going to split one Day of this story into two parts, it's just that it seemed to long and dragged out as one part. The rest of the "Days" in the series will be more concise.
Like I'm said, I'm still working on an unique story arch; I don't want this to become the Breakfast Club with aliens.

Thanks for your advice!
(Also, your autobiography assumption is not far from the truth)
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