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Fan Fic Pick of the Week (week ending August 7)

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IRC Channel Operator

Joined: 09 May 2009
Posts: 77
Location: The Dark Tower of NW10

PostPosted: Thu Aug 20, 2009 10:32 pm    Post subject: Fan Fic Pick of the Week (week ending August 7) Reply with quote

Hello again - eb here (the eb can stand for "elitist bastard" or "emergency backup") with a very belated Fic Pick for the submissions from the week ending... um... two weeks ago.

The week ending 7 August was a very fruitful week: we saw the ends to two fantastic series, submissions from old schoolers and newcomers, and the occasional slip-up.

The Slush Pile

The Gladsheim Few: Chapter 1 + 2 by Kateston
The first thing I noticed with this is that it's your first submission, so welcome to HBOFF!

There are several grammar, spelling and punctuation (GSP, or GPS if you're feeling so inclined) errors, and the first paragraph in particular seemed like a giant wall of text. There's also way too much disparate information: we learn, in 178 words, about Peterson's physical description, his past, his alias, his family, and the immediate situation. This is bad. You need to take a lot more time, and work on your descriptive skills.

Also, this is a common mistake, but the formatting wasn't particularly good. When submitting, make use of The Code - it'll make your submissions a lot prettier and easier to read. I know it's a pain, but it's a necessary evil, unfortunately.

As a general rule, anyone's first submission to HBOFF is generally shit and largely ignored, so don't worry too much about it. You've certainly got a lot of potential, you just need to work on your description. Also, whenever working with original characters, one has to be careful of Mary Sue characters. These are characters that are over-idealised (often subconsciously) - for example, a strong, smart, handsome Marine who has an unparalleled track record, is generally loved by everyone, and manages to get away with more women than Captain Kirk on rohypnol. I suggest reading this thread for an explanation to some writing jargon and some common pitfalls.

Cupcakes Are Delicious by JordanBBad
I like this. True, Elites must eat somehow (my personal favourite theory is that they eat by tossing food into their mouths and drink using a proboscis) but it was still good fun.

Raye is a bastard. I hope he gets brutally murdered.

This Is What We Get For Trust by Rtas Vadumee
Again, this was a first submission, so crappiness is nothing to be embarrassed about.

Firstly... author's notes in the text body. Bad. They're OK on FanFiction.Net or places like that, but here we have the forum for it.

There are various problems: I doubt 'Vadumee would refer to himself as "half jaw" in an internal monologue, and elites talking to themselves seems very unlikely. However, you've since submitted a sequel, which, according to others, is a marked improvement. I'll give it a look when I get the time.

The Great Schism Part III by Jack Lang
You're improving, Jack, but it boils down to the same thing. There's several examples of sloppy GSP, poor plotting and major formatting issues. Keep trying and you'll improve, but at the moment, it's still not there, I'm afraid.

Attack on Installation 06: Finale by Jake Trommer
I've already made my thoughts clear on this - it's incredibly good, despite the "divert power from life support to the engines" debarcle (engines nom fuel, not power). Despite this, it's wonderful. And you've actually finished a series. Bravo.

Vestal Sins: Epilogue: All Too Human by Arthur Wellesley
The bastard won. Genius.

Honestly, this is the best series I've read to date on HBOFF. It's truly wonderful. I take my hat off to you.

Triple Contact: Resurgence: Part 1 by UNSC Trooper
Another very intriguing start to a series. I can't say too much (it's hard to pass judgement this early on) but everything's very solid, so I can't complain.

Et maintenant, les rankings*

This week's kabu Award for Bleak Humour goes to Cupcakes Are Delicious. I hope Raye dies horribly. He's a cruel git.

An honourable mention goes to UNSC Trooper for Triple Contact. It's too early to pass judgement, yet, but it's still incredibly good. Well done.

Second place goes to Jake with the finale of Attack on Installation 06. Any other week, this would have got first... but it was just knocked out of the top spot by you-know-what. Very impressive.

And this week's Fan Fic Pick of the Week is Master Chief and the Wang Mons - oh? Ah. Bollocks. I meant to say, this week's Fic Pick winner is Arthur with the Vestal Sins epilogue.

Anyway... that's all from me. eb out.

*That's your actual French, you know.
The Elitist Bastard | Writing is the business of professional turd-polishing.
"(don't take this review too seriously) If you doubt this is possible, how is it there are PYGMIES + DWARFS??"
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IRC Channel Operator

Joined: 18 Oct 2008
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 21, 2009 1:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jake, many congratulations on finishing AoI06 on such a wonderful note. Arthur, I'm ashamed to say that I'm two and two-thirds of a chapter behind on Vestal Sins - I'll finish this weekend, I promise.

I have this weeks review written, and I'll have it up as soon as Dave lets me in the club.
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 21, 2009 8:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Great picks, eb.
We lie beneath the stars at night, our hands gripping each other tight.

Will you keep my secrets hope to die?
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Arthur Wellesley

Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 306
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Thu Aug 27, 2009 5:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I realized I never commented on this.

Nice job on the pick. And thanks, eb, for your comments, both here and all along. They are much appreciated.

- Arthur
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
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