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Halo 3: Insurrection: Parts Three and Four

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 12:11 pm    Post subject: Halo 3: Insurrection: Parts Three and Four Reply with quote

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Halo 3: Insurrection: Parts Three and Four
Posted by Wolverfrog (Wolverfrog49@Hotmail.com)
11 August 2009, 8:52 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Wolverfrog0811092052541.html
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kabu
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 18, 2009 7:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, I just read "True Sangheili," and I have to say I like that one a lot better.

Firstly, I do like one of the plots of this one, the infighting amongst Elites. But seriously - proofread. Missing commas, a displaced quotation mark, this chapter feels jittery and rushed. I would have liked to see more scenes with the Elite nobility, perhaps in Council or something.

And I am not liking what you're doing with Johnson. I count at least three deus ex machinae in this chapter alone - he survives being lasered through the chest, he meets Mendicant Bias (whose body is canonically on the Dreadnaught, not the Ark), and he gets teleported across what I presume is going to be intergalactic space

Sorry, but I'm just not a fan of this one as much as I am of True Sangheili, which I think is an excellent piece.
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Wolverfrog
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 21, 2009 6:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah, don't worry about it. Johnson makes sense later on, yeah he got hit by a laser, but he survived. Mendicant Bias was imprisoned everywhere, not just the Dreadnought. Read the Terminals and you'll see.

Trust me, if you could read all 21 current parts, you'd be happy with it. I wrote the early parts of this way before True Sangheili, back when I was 13, and still a little inexperienced. Of course, being 14 doesn't make a terrible amount of difference, but I've improved in my writing since then. Below is the usual response I get when someone's read it all Wink

"wow, just got done reading prologue to the most current chapter, and all I can say is wow. It started a little shakey, but hot damn is this a good story!"
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kabu
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 21, 2009 7:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That happens a lot with new authors - i'm a bit embarrased with ny early stuff too. I have no doubts of your skills.

I went back through the terminals. You're right, M.B. reconstituted itself on the ark, and there's no reason it couldn't build a new body.
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