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Halo: True Sangheili (Prologue and Part One)

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 12:11 pm    Post subject: Halo: True Sangheili (Prologue and Part One) Reply with quote

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Halo: True Sangheili (Prologue and Part One)
Posted by Wolverfrog (Wolverfrog49@Hotmail.com)
11 August 2009, 8:45 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Wolverfrog0811092045081.html
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kabu
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Joined: 18 Oct 2008
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 18, 2009 7:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Overall, I think this is wonderful, with only one big nitpicks.

Bad stuff first:
First, these Elites are talking way too casually - especially the "don't get me wrong" bit, and a few others like it. I don't really like how Bungie has characterized Elites, but you should try to stick with the formal, measured syntax. Sometimes you get it perfect, and then the next sentence it switches back to human-ish camaraderie.

Second, another proofread or two would have caught some typos and word repetition - ""I was once going to embark upon a pilgrimage to High Charity once," for example. Everybody is guilty of this one, though.

But, the good very much outweighs the criticism for me. I really like this plot. The idea of an Elite who isn't an eager warrior or terribly religious has a lot of really interesting potential. And your writing style is excellent - smooth and detailed together. If it were me, I would have played up the animosity between Zharn and Sorran to be resolved later, but you write their interaction really well. This piece was a pleasure to read - probably my favorite of yours I've seen so far. Here's a tip - try to stick to one series at a time Razz.

I look forward to the next chapter!

edit: Also, don't be afraid to write longer chapters.

(And you never have to ask for feedback, it's just that most of us are college-age and busy getting ready for school these next few weeks.)
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