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Babylon High (The Worst Possible Social Experiment Ever) Pro

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 12:11 pm    Post subject: Babylon High (The Worst Possible Social Experiment Ever) Pro Reply with quote

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Babylon High (The Worst Possible Social Experiment Ever) Prolouge
Posted by Shurmanator (dyshurman@gmail.com)
10 August 2009, 1:35 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Shurmanator0810090135261.html
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kabu
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Joined: 18 Oct 2008
Posts: 204
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 3:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This... this is interesting.

On the one hand, you have a very easy, conversational writing style that is fun to read, something that is really tricky to pull off. Great use of metaphor and simile, and I'm a sucker for first-person narration.

On the other hand, this could easily turn into a horrifying mess of out-of-character fan-wank with teenage Elites and... chocolate. And I'm not sure I buy the central conceit - why would elites care about anything a human has to offer?

So I'm reserving judgement on the plot until we get the next chapter, but this has potential. Like an experimental vaccine that will either cure you or kill you, with little in between. Be very careful. I really look forward to your next piece!
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Shurmanator
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Joined: 14 Aug 2009
Posts: 51
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 3:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I feel as if I should explain some things for the three or four people that might actually read this fan fic.

I was bouncing around this idea of a co-species high school for a while now, simply because I didn't think it had been done before as a fan fic and because I thought it would be fun to write. This being my first attempt at a fan fic, I wanted to bring something new to the table, and its up to the readers to decide if I pulled that off.
Anyway, expect a comedy, with some social seperation undertones, and segregation issues.
So... yeah, I hope you enjoy.
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The 14th Wonder
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Joined: 31 May 2008
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 3:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I enjoyed reading this quite a lot. Like kabu said, you have a fun, easy-to-read style. A story about something as silly as an inter-species high school set in a world based on something as interesting as an inter-species trade alliance could potentially be a really cool, fun read. But, again like kabu said, the operative word is potentially. Be careful that the humans stay human and the Sangheili stay Sangheili.

You really did pretty well on the technical side, other than quite a few little typos. Have a more careful read through on the next go round and that problem should fix itself.

Looking forward to seeing where you take this Smile
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kabu
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 9:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Shurmanator wrote:
I feel as if I should explain some things for the three or four people that might actually read this fan fic.


More people than you might think read these things. It's not a huge proportion that comments. Plenty of weeks I'll read a story but be too busy to write a review, and there are a bunch of people who don't have accounts here at all.
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