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Triple Contact: Resurgence, Part 1

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 07, 2009 12:04 pm    Post subject: Triple Contact: Resurgence, Part 1 Reply with quote

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Triple Contact: Resurgence, Part 1
Posted by UNSC Trooper (unsctrooper@hotmail.com)
7 August 2009, 8:03 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=UNSC_Trooper0807090803331.html
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Arthur Wellesley
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Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 306
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Sun Aug 09, 2009 11:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, this is quite a start to a series, Trooper. There is a lot going on here, with promise of much more to come. The first part didn't reveal much, but set the stage very well for future events. You gave us a nice perspective in Dales, whose own introduction to the strange setting helped to infuse it with a mysterious feeling. Interspersed throughout this sequence are interesting tidbits on UNSC procedure.

The second scene, with its overtly political tone, had a faster pace. Oswald maneuvering himself into position to deliver the blow to Hood was cool to watch, and leaves us to contemplate his end-game strategy. The UNSC protocol and the weight of history that you brought to this scene was inspired and came across as both realistic and justified within the Haloverse. Clearly you put a lot of thought into this, and it paid off with a high level of believability.

I have two complaints, however. The first is the overuse of description and exposition - and this comes from a man who loves him some exposition. The problem wasn't always that there was too much, but that you described things I didn't really care about. This is most noticeable in the Hornet scene. You talked about the specs too long, especially given how well most Halo 3 players know the vehicle already. In the end, I wanted to know more about the characters and less about certain minutiae.

The second is quite minor, but it popped up once or twice:

Quote:
First he loses two perfectly functional Hornets along with twelve professional Marines, and now the punk tries to sugar up to his ass?


The use of this informal language, particularly expletives in the narrative stood out, especially given the very formal dialogue of the characters. I would recommend against it.

At any rate, this is an excellent opening to what I expect will be a very exciting series. The political machinations involved here, the talk of bio-experiments, the policing of border worlds... I greatly anticipate where this goes next.

- Arthur
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Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
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