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This Is What We Get For Trust

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 07, 2009 12:04 pm    Post subject: This Is What We Get For Trust Reply with quote

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This Is What We Get For Trust
Posted by Rtas Vadumee (Yeahyou84@yahoo.com)
4 August 2009, 2:12 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Rtas_Vadumee0804090212481.html
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kabu
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Joined: 18 Oct 2008
Posts: 204
Location: Nowhere in particular.

PostPosted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 3:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Better. Much better. You make a real effort to get character development into here, and it shows. It's a bit melodramatic for my tastes, but you take us inside Half-Jaw's head rather than just hearing him make things explode. The tough-as-nails Marine is a bit stereotyped, but still can be a fun character to work with. In the technical aspects, there is some word repetition that breaks up the flow a bit, but nothing to drastic. Oh, and it's spelled "Heresy," not "Heracy."

Looking forwards to your next chapter!
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