HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4378

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This Is What We Get For Trust
Posted by Rtas Vadumee (Yeahyou84@yahoo.com)
4 August 2009, 2:12 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Rtas_Vadumee0804090212481.html

kabu · Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 3:40 am Post subject:

Better. Much better. You make a real effort to get character development into here, and it shows. It's a bit melodramatic for my tastes, but you take us inside Half-Jaw's head rather than just hearing him make things explode. The tough-as-nails Marine is a bit stereotyped, but still can be a fun character to work with. In the technical aspects, there is some word repetition that breaks up the flow a bit, but nothing to drastic. Oh, and it's spelled "Heresy," not "Heracy."

Looking forwards to your next chapter!
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