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Castaways part 3

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 24, 2009 2:41 pm    Post subject: Castaways part 3 Reply with quote

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Castaways part 3
Posted by jameson9101322 (
21 July 2009, 5:15 am
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Joined: 09 May 2009
Posts: 77
Location: The Dark Tower of NW10

PostPosted: Fri Jul 24, 2009 3:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote


I remember seeing this published on and DeviantART, so I'm pretty familiar with the story, but nevertheless it's great to have some new blood round here. Welcome to HBOFF!

Anywhose, my main concern at the moment is probably a nitpicky one, but it's important nonetheless. When you use a closing speech mark, you should really use a comma, not a full stop. For example:

"Thanks Cortana, that really helps." The Chief said dryly.

should really be

"Thanks, Cortana, that really helps," the Chief said, dryly.

Overall, however, it's not at all shabby. I can't really say much more without accidentally letting slip bits of the plot (which I already know), but it could certainly be worse.
The Elitist Bastard | Writing is the business of professional turd-polishing.
"(don't take this review too seriously) If you doubt this is possible, how is it there are PYGMIES + DWARFS??"
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Joined: 18 Oct 2008
Posts: 204
Location: Nowhere in particular.

PostPosted: Fri Jul 24, 2009 3:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good story. I like the idea of this sort of tomb world, with everything just stopped. You have a good way with description as well, elegant.

One thing I'm not to sure about is your characterization of the chief. You seem to waver between a few different personalities, and it's hard to get a grip on him.

Aside from that, I'm all for this one. Remember - even if this is a pre-written story, you can always go back and edit it.

Oh, also, try merging chapters into one submission instead of doing three separate ones in a week.

edit: Glad to see my guilt trip is working, eb Razz
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Arthur Wellesley

Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 306
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Wed Jul 29, 2009 5:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'll begin with the note that you really ought to have consolidated all three chapters into one entry, as no one of them was particularly long. This is partly for the sake of convenience, but also because most readers here assume that three submissions in one week means that the submissions were rushed and of thus of low quality. At any rate, this review will be for all three parts.

This was a very solid entry, Jameson. Your version of the Chief and, more particularly, the Chief and his relationship with Cortana, was very enjoyable and at times quite touching. Having been isolated for so long, Cortana's seeming joy at the Chief's awakening was genuine and well described. Their banter was fun and went a long way towards characterizing your versions of these two familiar icons. The Chief jumping through the roof of the hut, and Cortana's amused reaction, might have been campy had it been treated differently. Your treatment of the incident, however, made it seem believable, funny, and a little heart-warming. I think most players of the games will love how you present the continuation of this enduring relationship.

This series seems to be primarily about the two protagonists, but the other elements of the story were quite strong as well. While the concept of the planet has shaky foundations in canon (remember the Ark was well beyond the Galactic rim, and was thus out of range of the Milky Way proper), I found the idea of it so intriguing that I instantly accepted it. Setting the Chief on a dead world of a previously unknown species - or rather, on a world the he killed - is a truly unique and fascinating concept. That the world had been in the midst of a Flood invasion was also quite interesting, and creates many new places for the story to go. Obviously you've put a lot of thought into this.

My only complaint would be the occassionally sloppy GPS. This was very long, yet there were a good number of errors, including comma splicing, poor wording, and bad punctuation:

HK-154 seemed very much like Earth, even the trees looked the same.

She wondered if this was a side effect to interfacing, but felt like it was her emotion not his.

"I'm strong, but I can't carry a ship that size even if it is only half.." The Chief said.

Also, as eb already said, quotations are properly ended with a comma, and then a lower case addendum to identify the speaker (ie "My name is Jim," said Jim.)

Make sure you read over your work carefully before you submit. Such errors hurt the presentation and take away from the fundamental strengths of the story and the characters you've created.

Great job, Jameson. I look forward to more.

- Arthur
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
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