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Castaways part 1

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 24, 2009 2:41 pm    Post subject: Castaways part 1 Reply with quote

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Castaways part 1
Posted by jameson9101322 (jameson9101322@gmail.com)
21 July 2009, 5:12 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=jameson910130721090512251.html
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StevieTopSiders
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Joined: 07 Mar 2009
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Location: MIT

PostPosted: Sun Jul 26, 2009 5:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was a very short story. It was, however, written rather well. It's plausible, too.

Some suggestions: You don't facilitate, grammatically, the switch between Cortana and the Chief's POV's. Also, when you did the computer stuff at the beginning, it looks a lot cooler with bold and lots of symbols.

>>>Initiating Standard Thaw Cycle
>>><<Thaw Cycle commencing in T-300...

>>><<Vital Signs real all-normal.

>>><<Blood pressure 90/70 and rising

>>><<Heart Rate holding steady at 45bpm
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Azrael
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Posts: 504
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 27, 2009 5:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is a perfectly fine, though really short, first chapter. I'm optimistic because you demonstrate proficiency in writing (you don't immediately launch straight into dual wielding rocket launchers, which is good), but I'm wondering what's coming up.

I liked that you spent a few sentences talking about how much John means to Cortana, and I hope you elaborate on that in following chapters. Don't forget the characters; keep us interested and CARING about what happens to them. There's not a whole lot going on here in terms of setting or descriptions or pretty much anything, so don't assume we know what you're talking about.

Show, don't tell.

And finally:

""At least we know what we won't find."

"What's that?"

"Sentient life."

...If I had a dime for every time I said that and turned out to be wrong...

Keep it up, this is a good start.
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SYSTEM
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 27, 2009 5:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

StevieTopSiders wrote:
Some suggestions: You don't facilitate, grammatically, the switch between Cortana and the Chief's POV's. Also, when you did the computer stuff at the beginning, it looks a lot cooler with bold and lots of symbols.

Word of advice: don't.

Because HTML is stripped out of stories, anglebrackets and any text contained inside them may (I stress - may - but I could be wrong, but I've seen it happen before) be removed and not appear in the final entry.
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"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 27, 2009 6:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's what the preview button's for, eh?
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