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The Bright Green Dot: Beware of Cat

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 10, 2009 2:50 pm    Post subject: The Bright Green Dot: Beware of Cat Reply with quote
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The Bright Green Dot: Beware of Cat
Posted by 4642 Elitist Bastard (4642eb@googlemail.com)
10 July 2009, 10:37 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=4642_Elitist0710091037391.html
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Jake Trommer
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 10, 2009 8:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
Excellent work as always, eb. I especially loved the list of Halo survivors whose stories have never been told. Very Happy
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kabu
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 12, 2009 4:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
JONESY! SHE'S ALIVE!

Anyway, aside from the Asian/Indian/Pakistani hullabaloo (and I could have stood for it to be a bit longer), I think this is great. Like, really, really great. Once again, you give a unique and realistic portrayal of the Chief while getting into Floyd's head really well, and you have a wonderful writing style. I love how you ended up breaking him down in the end. I'm really bad at writing reviews and I wish this could be longer, so let me just say that your stuff is always a great pleasure to read.
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 12, 2009 8:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
This was pretty good, eb, though I have some reservations. As I've said, I have quite enjoyed your characterization of the Chief as damaged and neurotic. Aside from his note in the first chapter, it has always been done well and brings the Chief down to a far more human level than we saw in the games. Your decision to resolve some of this inner conflict in the final chapter was probably the correct one, but I think you could have done it more effectively. First off, it was pretty short and bare. Using the cat as their common link was a nice touch, but you probably could have done more. Secondly, this:

Quote:
"How did you get off Halo?" he asked.

"SSH!" I hissed. The Chief's eyes widened, and he clapped his hand to his mouth.


brought back memories of the note, presenting the Chief almost as a teenager. He accidentally revealed highly classified information? He "clapper his hand to his mouth?" This hardly sits right with the Chief's image.

I also take some issue with the final scene. Floyd is a well-off novelist? Humans and Elites are reconciled to the point where Elite students frequent libraries in San Francisco? It all seemed a little too rosy for me, considering the blow humanity has just suffered.

I hate to sound like a negative nancy. I've been very impressed by your writing skills, and I continue to be here. I just think that this ending doesn't do justice to the story you have crafted.

Ah well. Just my two cents. I have very much enjoyed this series, and look forward to what's coming next.

- Arthur
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eb4642
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 13, 2009 3:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
Oh well... I suppose you can't please everyone Smile

It is rather bony, and I'm not particularly fond of the ending. The 'clapping hand to mouth' thing also needs fixing... overall, I think the chapter was one of the better ones, but I know there are various holes and dips that decrease the overall quality.

Once I do the nicely-typeset version, I'll have fixed it. Thanks for the critique Smile
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