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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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StevieTopSiders
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Joined: 07 Mar 2009
Posts: 1
Location: MIT
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 Posted: Fri Jul 03, 2009 5:13 pm Post subject: |
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| Now this is very interesting! A couple spelling errors turned my mind from the story a bit, but not totally so. It was short and a little underdeveloped. It led to a certain aura of mystery, but I now have too many questions for my liking. Good story overall! |
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Kaiyo No Hime
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Joined: 30 Jan 2009
Posts: 4
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| Posted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 6:44 am Post subject: |
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| May I ask to which spelling errors you are referring? I'll admit that I do make human mistakes, but I did put my writing through a spellchecker and a quick Beta. |
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StevieTopSiders
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Joined: 07 Mar 2009
Posts: 1
Location: MIT
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| Posted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 12:49 pm Post subject: |
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| Well, in the re-read, I found none. I recall that I thought something about mad scientists was messed up (obviously not) and that Earth was a blue word. Sorry for that, and congratulations on the Second Place! |
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Arthur Wellesley
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Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 306
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Tue Jul 07, 2009 7:45 pm Post subject: |
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This is really excellent, Kaiyo. I can't remember the last time I read something so impressive from a first-timer.
This was short but sweet, and has a lot of promise for what I can only assume will be a series (right?). You have a very beautiful way with words - great sentence structure and some downright fantastic imagery. I was particularly impressed by this early paragraph:
| Quote: | | She no longer remembered her real family, she had shoved that awful knowledge away on the seventh night of her training, refusing to let the tears stream down her face one more night. There was no use thinking of the little cat that like to lick her face, longing for the homemade strawberry jam her mother made, or of late evenings spent racing around with friends as parents called them home for supper. Even the faint memory of the little girl in the red cloak, screaming through the woods as she ran from the ravenous wolf was tossed aside. |
That's some great writing, right there. Very emotional and visual. Nice.
I have to admit, I wasn't quite sure where you were going with this. That our protagonist was an AI from a failed Spartan II pleasantly surprised me. Then, the reveal that she was rampant, and adift in a ship that was cut off from Earth, presumably due to its invasion... great setup. Great concept.
This succeeded on every point. I look forward to more.
- Arthur
_________________
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
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