HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

Seven Days: The Unwelcome Guest

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
hboff
Site Admin


Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Fri Jun 26, 2009 11:35 am    Post subject: Seven Days: The Unwelcome Guest Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

Seven Days: The Unwelcome Guest
Posted by SeverianofUrth
26 June 2009, 5:59 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=SeverianofUr0626090559391.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
CaptainRaspberry
Member


Joined: 20 Mar 2009
Posts: 56
Location: Littleton, MA

PostPosted: Fri Jun 26, 2009 2:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Incredibly dark and incredibly engrossing. I think you should seriously consider tweaking the Seven Days story a little bit and releasing it as an original piece; this particular chapter had almost zero to do with the greater Halo canon. Not to say, of course, that it wasn't good, but rather that you could actually make money off of it.

If you wanted. Personally, I won't object to being able to read such high quality writing for free, but for this stuff I certainly wouldn't mind paying for it.
_________________
Superstite es non sole;
Salute es dignus.

Current Project: Ha ha ha!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
SeverianofUrth
Member


Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 483
Location: Dumb posts & crap stories

PostPosted: Fri Jun 26, 2009 4:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

CaptainRaspberry wrote:
Incredibly dark and incredibly engrossing. I think you should seriously consider tweaking the Seven Days story a little bit and releasing it as an original piece; this particular chapter had almost zero to do with the greater Halo canon. Not to say, of course, that it wasn't good, but rather that you could actually make money off of it.

If you wanted. Personally, I won't object to being able to read such high quality writing for free, but for this stuff I certainly wouldn't mind paying for it.


Thank you for your very kind words, Raspberry. Very Happy I doubt I'll ever make money off this, but it's a interesting idea. I decided two years ago to stop pursuing a English degree--judging by my awful grammorz skills, a good idea--but who knows?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Arthur Wellesley
Member


Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 306
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Fri Jun 26, 2009 6:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Eleven Gays returns. I claim credit.

Your narrative calls into question what a narrative ought to be. You really have to pay attention to keep up - which I loved. I remember, back when I read this entire series all in a single sitting that it had ended on a strange note. Until part six, the story had been an offbeat investigation into mysterious happenings, and then all of a sudden we're introduced to Kassad, only to be told that he died. Now we get Kassad's POV... all very strange, but so very captivating. The disconnect of the narrative, the result of, I assume, our unreliable narrator, was very well done.

First mention must go to your style, which is quirky, vivid, and dark all at once. This is particularly noticeable in the narrative, which paints Kassad as being rather unhinged. You never tell us he's unhinged, but imply it through his philosophic ramblings and his apparent unfamiliarity with human emotion. Of course, his actions go a long way towards this as well. It was a fascinating and oblique way to go about characterizing this man, and it was very effective.

A lot of details in here that made the world come alive, too. My favorite:

Quote:
Some space-cults venerated the Stranger. He was, they said, the avatar of the void, the spiritual representation of the unimaginable distance separating the children of Adam and Eve—the god, they said, of the dark and the unknown.


I really like this idea in and of itself... the idea that advances in science might actually cultivate a new faith, albeit in an entirely different form. Very cool. Even cooler, though, was the way you twisted this rather beautiful sentiment later on:

Quote:
The Stranger—quite an unwelcome guest, if he indeed was here; obviously, being just another product of religious fantasy, he didn't exist, but the concept of just a stranger appealed to him. It clicked together: the ruins, and now, people dying in mysterious ways, bodies left in pieces, all of them severed with surgical precision.


Nice.

My only complaint would be a few clunky passages that littered this chapter. Your unusual style plays with syntax and conventional wording, usually successfully - but you have to make sure it doesn't come out butchered:

Quote:
Her tight shirt meant what was underneath were doing interesting things involving physics.


Quote:
The religiously inclined were inclined to believe in religious explanations, and those believing in extraterrestrial origins were inclined to believe in that.


But anyway, a very fine piece. I love the tricks you play with your narrative - it wasn't an overly long chapter, but I took some time getting through it. There are many layers here - it was very rewarding peeling them back.

Awesome work, man.

- Arthur
_________________
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
SeverianofUrth
Member


Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 483
Location: Dumb posts & crap stories

PostPosted: Fri Jun 26, 2009 9:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Eleven Gays returns. I claim credit.


There's eleven gays? I'm like ten short of the quota. /lamejoke Laughing

Quote:
My only complaint would be a few clunky passages that littered this chapter. Your unusual style plays with syntax and conventional wording, usually successfully - but you have to make sure it doesn't come out butchered:


Huh, I thought those read fine. Did I mess up, grammar-wise or something?

Thanks for the review. Smile
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Arthur Wellesley
Member


Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 306
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Sat Jun 27, 2009 1:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Huh, I thought those read fine. Did I mess up, grammar-wise or something?


The first one, yes. "Was" doesn't agree with "were." It could also have used a "that" and probably a general rephrasing.

The second one used "inclined" three times in one sentence, once nearly back to back.

Forgive my nitpickiness.

- Arthur
_________________
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
SeverianofUrth
Member


Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 483
Location: Dumb posts & crap stories

PostPosted: Sat Jun 27, 2009 1:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah, I see your point about the first one. But for the second:

Quote:
The second one used "inclined" three times in one sentence, once nearly back to back.


I know this might sound like I'm bullshitting you, but the repetition was there for a purpose. The 'inclined' was used three times in a row because I wanted to stress what I thought of as the absurdities associated with religious thinking, in that these people were naturally disposed to such thoughts, and could entertain no other prospects. The repetition was there to emphasis the point, as in poetry:

The cold sweat melted from their limbs,
nor rot nor reek did they;
The look with which they looked on me
Had never passed away


-Rime of the Ancient Mariner

Uh, that's starting to confuse me, and I wrote the damn thing. Thanks for pointing it out, Arthur. I knew what I intended when I wrote it, but in retrospect, accessibility must be a integral part of fiction, and when it isn't obvious at all, that was a failure on the part of the writer.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
kabu
IRC Channel Operator


Joined: 18 Oct 2008
Posts: 204
Location: Nowhere in particular.

PostPosted: Mon Jun 29, 2009 4:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I just realized that I didn't comment on this, but it seems that all the good points have been taken. This is why you always raise your hand first...

Anyway, I'd just like to especially point out that I really like the bit of poetry at the beginning. I think you have a real talent there in addition to your prose, which is pretty rare. And the way you can craft such a vivid world with vivid characters continues to amaze me.
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group