 |
HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
|
| View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
hboff
Site Admin
Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4351
|
|
| Back to top |
|
 |
CaptainRaspberry
Member
Joined: 20 Mar 2009
Posts: 57
Location: Littleton, MA
|
 Posted: Fri Jun 26, 2009 2:38 pm Post subject: |
 |
|
Incredibly dark and incredibly engrossing. I think you should seriously consider tweaking the Seven Days story a little bit and releasing it as an original piece; this particular chapter had almost zero to do with the greater Halo canon. Not to say, of course, that it wasn't good, but rather that you could actually make money off of it.
If you wanted. Personally, I won't object to being able to read such high quality writing for free, but for this stuff I certainly wouldn't mind paying for it.
_________________
Superstite es non sole;
Salute es dignus.
Current Project: Ha ha ha! |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
SeverianofUrth
Member
Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 483
Location: Dumb posts & crap stories
|
| Posted: Fri Jun 26, 2009 4:18 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| CaptainRaspberry wrote: | Incredibly dark and incredibly engrossing. I think you should seriously consider tweaking the Seven Days story a little bit and releasing it as an original piece; this particular chapter had almost zero to do with the greater Halo canon. Not to say, of course, that it wasn't good, but rather that you could actually make money off of it.
If you wanted. Personally, I won't object to being able to read such high quality writing for free, but for this stuff I certainly wouldn't mind paying for it. |
Thank you for your very kind words, Raspberry.  I doubt I'll ever make money off this, but it's a interesting idea. I decided two years ago to stop pursuing a English degree--judging by my awful grammorz skills, a good idea--but who knows? |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Arthur Wellesley
Member
Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 306
Location: Canada
|
| Posted: Fri Jun 26, 2009 6:14 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Eleven Gays returns. I claim credit.
Your narrative calls into question what a narrative ought to be. You really have to pay attention to keep up - which I loved. I remember, back when I read this entire series all in a single sitting that it had ended on a strange note. Until part six, the story had been an offbeat investigation into mysterious happenings, and then all of a sudden we're introduced to Kassad, only to be told that he died. Now we get Kassad's POV... all very strange, but so very captivating. The disconnect of the narrative, the result of, I assume, our unreliable narrator, was very well done.
First mention must go to your style, which is quirky, vivid, and dark all at once. This is particularly noticeable in the narrative, which paints Kassad as being rather unhinged. You never tell us he's unhinged, but imply it through his philosophic ramblings and his apparent unfamiliarity with human emotion. Of course, his actions go a long way towards this as well. It was a fascinating and oblique way to go about characterizing this man, and it was very effective.
A lot of details in here that made the world come alive, too. My favorite:
| Quote: | | Some space-cults venerated the Stranger. He was, they said, the avatar of the void, the spiritual representation of the unimaginable distance separating the children of Adam and Eve—the god, they said, of the dark and the unknown. |
I really like this idea in and of itself... the idea that advances in science might actually cultivate a new faith, albeit in an entirely different form. Very cool. Even cooler, though, was the way you twisted this rather beautiful sentiment later on:
| Quote: | | The Stranger—quite an unwelcome guest, if he indeed was here; obviously, being just another product of religious fantasy, he didn't exist, but the concept of just a stranger appealed to him. It clicked together: the ruins, and now, people dying in mysterious ways, bodies left in pieces, all of them severed with surgical precision. |
Nice.
My only complaint would be a few clunky passages that littered this chapter. Your unusual style plays with syntax and conventional wording, usually successfully - but you have to make sure it doesn't come out butchered:
| Quote: | | Her tight shirt meant what was underneath were doing interesting things involving physics. |
| Quote: | | The religiously inclined were inclined to believe in religious explanations, and those believing in extraterrestrial origins were inclined to believe in that. |
But anyway, a very fine piece. I love the tricks you play with your narrative - it wasn't an overly long chapter, but I took some time getting through it. There are many layers here - it was very rewarding peeling them back.
Awesome work, man.
- Arthur
_________________
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
 |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
SeverianofUrth
Member
Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 483
Location: Dumb posts & crap stories
|
| Posted: Fri Jun 26, 2009 9:09 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Quote: | | Eleven Gays returns. I claim credit. |
There's eleven gays? I'm like ten short of the quota. /lamejoke 
| Quote: | | My only complaint would be a few clunky passages that littered this chapter. Your unusual style plays with syntax and conventional wording, usually successfully - but you have to make sure it doesn't come out butchered: |
Huh, I thought those read fine. Did I mess up, grammar-wise or something?
Thanks for the review.  |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Arthur Wellesley
Member
Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 306
Location: Canada
|
| Posted: Sat Jun 27, 2009 1:37 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Quote: | Huh, I thought those read fine. Did I mess up, grammar-wise or something?
|
The first one, yes. "Was" doesn't agree with "were." It could also have used a "that" and probably a general rephrasing.
The second one used "inclined" three times in one sentence, once nearly back to back.
Forgive my nitpickiness.
- Arthur
_________________
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
SeverianofUrth
Member
Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 483
Location: Dumb posts & crap stories
|
| Posted: Sat Jun 27, 2009 1:56 am Post subject: |
|
|
Ah, I see your point about the first one. But for the second:
| Quote: | The second one used "inclined" three times in one sentence, once nearly back to back.
|
I know this might sound like I'm bullshitting you, but the repetition was there for a purpose. The 'inclined' was used three times in a row because I wanted to stress what I thought of as the absurdities associated with religious thinking, in that these people were naturally disposed to such thoughts, and could entertain no other prospects. The repetition was there to emphasis the point, as in poetry:
The cold sweat melted from their limbs,
nor rot nor reek did they;
The look with which they looked on me
Had never passed away
-Rime of the Ancient Mariner
Uh, that's starting to confuse me, and I wrote the damn thing. Thanks for pointing it out, Arthur. I knew what I intended when I wrote it, but in retrospect, accessibility must be a integral part of fiction, and when it isn't obvious at all, that was a failure on the part of the writer. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
kabu
IRC Channel Operator
Joined: 18 Oct 2008
Posts: 205
Location: Nowhere in particular.
|
| Posted: Mon Jun 29, 2009 4:06 am Post subject: |
|
|
I just realized that I didn't comment on this, but it seems that all the good points have been taken. This is why you always raise your hand first...
Anyway, I'd just like to especially point out that I really like the bit of poetry at the beginning. I think you have a real talent there in addition to your prose, which is pretty rare. And the way you can craft such a vivid world with vivid characters continues to amaze me.
_________________
 |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
|
Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group
|
FAQ
Search
Memberlist
Usergroups
Register
Profile
Log in to check your private messages
Log in
