HBO Fan Fiction

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Vestal Sins: Chapter 2: Surrendering to the Tide
Posted by Arthur Wellesley (arthur_wellesly@hotmail.com)
26 June 2009, 3:18 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Arthur_Welle0626090318381.html

[CaptainRaspberry]

Just want to get this out of the way: I like this series a lot. I'm always intrigued by the way people handle the post-war scene, and your take on it is very well-handled. I think I'll thoroughly enjoy tracking the political shift away from Earth as it's handled in your story.

Your characters are real, though I can't get a good read on Eyal's partner. At first she seemed like a very reserved, cautious person, then she starts kneeling on their informants and playing bad cop. This isn't bad, of course, but if you're going to keep walking that fine line you should probably come up with a good line of justification for her behavior.

Still, this series is off to a very strong start. I'm excited to see where it'll end up (unless that is the end). I was half expecting Isaac to not be the right guy, but now that we know he did it, it's obvious that this runs deeper than it seems.
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Superstite es non sole;
Salute es dignus.
Current Project: Ha ha ha!

[SeverianofUrth]

And the plot keeps evolving. Since we know you've finished writing this, I'm glad that I can look forward to another installment next week, so I can satisfy my curiosity.

Great, as usual.

[Arthur Wellesley]

Thanks Sev. Appreciated as always.

I appreciate your comment as well, Raspberry, and I'm glad you liked it. As to Mantega... she's a pretty rough character most of the time. However, something that I hope becomes clear later on is that she greatly respects Eyal, and that she was reserved at first because she was reticent to bother him on his day off - when he had specifically asked her not to contact him.

Something I'll admit... I wrote this series very slowly, and there were gaps between writing the chapters. I tried not to lose any character traits over time, and I recently reread it to make sure it was consistent. I hope, by the end, that her behavior will have seemed rational.

Thanks again. I'll try to get to everyone else's soon.

- Arthur
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Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017

[StevieTopSiders]

Great read! There was one aspect that confused me, though:

-Isn't Eyal old in the beginning? Now, he's doing a young-seeming ADA, and the Militia men ask why a "young man" like him didn't join the Marines. Hrmm...

Other than that, not too much to worry about. The cursing was in just the right amounts. It seemed natural and maybe a little excessive, but it didn't permeate the story at all. I can't wait for the plot to evolve, either! Great job this week.

[Arthur Wellesley]

Thanks, Stevie.

Eyal's age was unspecified, but he was always meant to be young. I'd put him at around his late 20s.

- Arthur
_________________
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017

[kr1]

Excellent work, Arthur. I really enjoyed this. Now, I've always thought the mark of a talented writer is when the reader can get genuinely angry at a character, and goddamn did I want to kick Grantmyre's ass. Hope he gets what's coming to him down the line.

The rest of the story was great, as well. Enjoyed the interrogation, it read as very true to life. And I wasn't too thrown by Eyal's age. I had him pegged as thirties, but definitely old beyond his years.
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[Arthur Wellesley]

Thanks a lot, kr. Yea, Grantmyre's kind of a dick. But from his perspective, he's just defending his own organization from the predations of a total outsider. Or... he's just a dick

[eb4642]

What can I say, Arthur? I hate to use the Wire metaphor again, but it's difficult not to for several reasons.

Firstly, you're wonderfully descriptive in the narrative and vary the pace based on the environment, adopting different variations on the style for each situation. Additionally, your characters aren't black and white, and both the militia and the police are multi-layered, with general animosity at the lower levels, the occasional force for good, and idiots on top of the piles who are concerned mostly with lining their own pockets and covering their own arses.

However, the most important parallel with The Wire is that it is fucking brilliant, and there's really no excuse not to indulge in it. Fantastic work, as usual!

Phew. I hope that metaphor isn't getting too tired by now...
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The Elitist Bastard | Writing is the business of professional turd-polishing.
"(don't take this review too seriously) If you doubt this is possible, how is it there are PYGMIES + DWARFS??"

[Arthur Wellesley]

Thanks, eb. I appreciate it, and I appreciate the comparison, even though I never saw The Wire myself. It's a critically acclaimed program, and didn't Obama say it was his favorite show? High praise indeed.

Thanks again.

- Arthur
_________________
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017

[kabu]

Eep. Saw this bumped to the top tonight, and realized I forgot to comment.

Pretty much everything I wanted to say has been said, but I would like to really emphasize how much I like your characterization - varied, flawed, realistic and beautifully crafted.
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[Arthur Wellesley]

Thanks, kabs. Glad you liked it

I think you once said that character driven stories are your favorite. I happen to agree, and I appreciate the comment.

- Arthur
_________________
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017