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Halo 3: Insurrection : Part Two

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4351
PostPosted: Fri Jun 26, 2009 11:35 am    Post subject: Halo 3: Insurrection : Part Two Reply with quote
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Halo 3: Insurrection : Part Two
Posted by Wolverfrog (Wolverfrog49@Hotmail.com)
22 June 2009, 2:10 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Wolverfrog0622090210491.html
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kabu
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Joined: 18 Oct 2008
Posts: 205
Location: Nowhere in particular.
PostPosted: Fri Jun 26, 2009 10:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
NOOOOOOOOOOO Cortana!

Anyway, I am liking the plot a lot and am very interested by this new Elite character guy. The Chief does seem unusually verbose, but you are keeping a consistent character who is interesting to read. So definitely a good story that I'll be following

One complaint - read your chapters out loud before posting. Run on sentences, commas instead of periods, and a few bits of awkward syntax disrupt the flow. It's easy to fix, though.

This:
Quote:
"Now, even though we bear you no ill will Demon, it was not you who started this war, we cannot let you go free, you are loyal to the Humans."

Can become this:
Quote:
"We bear you no ill will Demon. It was not you who started this war. But we cannot let you go free, for you are loyal to the Humans."


Also:
Quote:
honourable

Another brit, eh? Razz
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