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Attack on Installation 06, part 23

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 26, 2009 11:35 am    Post subject: Attack on Installation 06, part 23 Reply with quote

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Attack on Installation 06, part 23
Posted by Jake Trommer (wedgefan@comcast.net)
20 June 2009, 12:45 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Jake_Trommer0620090045531.html
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 26, 2009 7:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have to tell you, this is good, but you suffer from something I always had a problem with back in the day. You have a lot of characters, and it's getting tough to continue to keep their different stories and parts and dialogues together into something cohesive and, all together, readable. It ain't too bad, but it's bad enough that I had to go back a few times and research some stuff.

Otherwise, I like your dialogue.
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CaptainRaspberry
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 26, 2009 8:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with Gallagher on this one, but I think instead of handling it you should just start killing characters. Always the easiest way out of this situation. Razz

Still enjoying this, Jake. Can't wait to see more.
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kabu
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 26, 2009 10:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

One thing that's been annoying about this series is that you come dangerously close to Wall Of Text.

Other than that, I haven't read the story yet and probably won't have time to until tonight, so you can expect a glowing review then, Smile
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Jake Trommer
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 27, 2009 12:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kabu: that's one of the tradeoffs to having a "normal-sized" chapter, is that it runs dangerously close to tl;dr.

Gallagher: I have been killing people off (Reynolds, Shephard and Nielson have all bit it), but I think that's been counterbalanced by the introduction of Ackerson. Whoops! Embarassed
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kabu
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 27, 2009 12:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, read it and I like it. The swapping between a bunch of different characters gets confusing sometimes, but I can generally follow the action. I'm terrible at writing reviews, so I'll just list off what I really liked: The conversation with Parangosky (you write her really well) and the drop-pod scene. Is it wrong to laugh while reading that last one? I'm really liking Silva too.

Anyway, a couple of minor typos and word repetition were the only flaws, but that's really not much. So great job on another excellent chapter.
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Phædrus
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 27, 2009 2:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I haven't been following your series lately, but I like what I see in this episode. A very good story, and I like your incorporation of canon characters like Ackerson, Stacker, and Dubbo. Liked the Jenkins reference. Wink Your plot is very intriguing, and very suspenseful. I like and will read more.
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kr1
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 27, 2009 4:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm a fan, as always, Jake. Good to see this ramping up to a conclusion. I've had no trouble following the characters, but I think I'm a bit more vested helping with the proofreading. I'm really liking your Ackerson, especially your line about him leaning on the desk. Really denotes his status with Parangosky more than anything else. And yay black Silva!

I do have a couple complaints, though. 'Vadum and Nielson was just far too short. I know you were going for something a tad anticlimactic, but still, it was very short (on that note, though, good work on keeping up longer chapter lengths!). This exchange bugged me, too:

Quote:
stacker playfully shoved his fellow Installation 04 veteran off the mount. "Well, we'd better find out soon. We have to haul ass back to Berlin."

Dubbo clambered into the driver's seat, revving the motor as he did so. "Well, we'd better get going, then."


Careful with that. Wink

But overall, great work, Jake. Very Happy
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