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hboff
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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Joined: 19 Oct 2004
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 Posted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 6:57 pm Post subject: |
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Adrian Shephard, huh? 
I liked it, Jake! 
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"My appreciation for being quoted is being masked by my distaste for your incompetence, Gallagher" - Shrumertaor
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eb4642
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Joined: 09 May 2009
Posts: 77
Location: The Hobbit Hole
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| Posted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 7:08 pm Post subject: |
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At last!
It's excellent: you're very good at keeping things fast-paced, but at the same time thickly plotted. You're also very skilled when it comes to building suspense.
Tres bien.
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The Elitist Bastard | Writing is the business of professional turd-polishing.
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kr1
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Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 436
Location: UNSC Frigate September
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| Posted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 7:27 pm Post subject: |
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Very good work, Jake. Good to see something with a decent length, too. 
Nielson's spoilerific line was a little cliche, and I was a bit disappointed the scene with Parangosky and Ackerson giving him his orders wasn't in here as a flashback. I'm assuming it was in an older chapter?
Anyways, all the comments from proofreading still stand. Great work with this one here. 
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Jake Trommer
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Joined: 22 Jun 2008
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| Posted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 11:52 pm Post subject: |
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The flashback takes place next chapter; fear not, it will see the light of day.
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Sir Isaac Newton is the DEADLIEST SON OF A BITCH IN SPACE!
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kabu
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Joined: 18 Oct 2008
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| Posted: Sat Jun 20, 2009 1:56 am Post subject: |
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Gah. That was horrifying, with the dismembered hunter and... ew.
Seriously great job on this one. Like, totally. Characters, dialogue, descriptions, you really hit the nail on the head with this chapter. One complaint - excessive gun-naming gets a little old. "Pistol" is fine by me.
Anyway, I really love this chapter - one of your strongest, I think. I was expecting that flashback, though...
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kr1
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Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 436
Location: UNSC Frigate September
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| Posted: Fri Jun 26, 2009 10:16 pm Post subject: |
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Just remembered this random nitpicky thing, think it was this chapter:
Settlers on Cote d'Azur are AUSSIES?!? That's French!
Anyways, I've already said how much I've been loving your latest stuff, I'll get to the newest one soon.
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Jake Trommer
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Joined: 22 Jun 2008
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| Posted: Sat Jun 27, 2009 12:11 am Post subject: |
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I said Chi Ceti IV, not Cote D'Azur.
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Sir Isaac Newton is the DEADLIEST SON OF A BITCH IN SPACE!
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kr1
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Joined: 27 Feb 2007
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Location: UNSC Frigate September
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| Posted: Sat Jun 27, 2009 3:20 am Post subject: |
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Ah, my bad. I'm a dumbass... 
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