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The Bright Green Dot: Lead Foil and the Chekhov's Gun Sympho

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 1:11 pm    Post subject: The Bright Green Dot: Lead Foil and the Chekhov's Gun Sympho Reply with quote

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The Bright Green Dot: Lead Foil and the Chekhov's Gun Symphony
Posted by 4642 Elitist Bastard (4642eb@googlemail.com)
19 June 2009, 10:25 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=4642_Elitist0619091025251.html
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eb4642
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Joined: 09 May 2009
Posts: 77
Location: The Dark Tower of NW10

PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 3:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes, I know very little happens, and I don't think it's quite as good as the previous chapter, but... it keeps my brain ticking over.

Commence heckling... now.
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"(don't take this review too seriously) If you doubt this is possible, how is it there are PYGMIES + DWARFS??"
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UNSC Trooper
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Joined: 11 Jul 2007
Posts: 85
Location: Overlooking a rebel hideout from an orbiting UEG patrol frigate.

PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 3:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is almost a hard comedy, EB, and it's awesome to see an Ensign play with the Chief so calmly. You wrote Cortana pretty well, and the Ensign's personality is typical of Navy men riding big ships for who knows how long. Your dialogue is very entertaining and you make the characters interesting even though they're being depicted in daily situations.

Quote:
"I recommend you avoid discussing it unless he brings it up in a conversation–"

"Conversation? He never seems to make conversation."

So true of the Chief...

Quote:
"Anyway, there's just a few other things: he doesn't like physical contact and he hates flip music."

"Who doesn't?"

"Well, Johnson..."

"apart from Johnson."

"Practically no-one... I get your drift."

Loved this reference to Johnson's dislike of old Earth metal.

Quote:
"Goldsmith's theme from Star Trek."

"There are seven known variations on Goldsmith's theme from Star Trek. Please identify one, or–"

"Any," I interrupted.

"Playing End Titles from the suite from Star Trek: Insurrection. Enjoy your music."

I don't know, but the mention of Star Trek in a Halo fanfic just made LOL. Laughing

All in all, your references to established elements in canon and Earth entertainment like Star Trek, coupled with a good story makes these chapters just very enjoyable to read. Wink
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kabu
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Joined: 18 Oct 2008
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 3:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

eb4642 wrote:

Commence heckling... now.


If you insist Very Happy

Anyway, I thought this chapter was great. A little slower than the others, sure, but still a solid read. Might want to kill the pop culture references, though.

Edit: Okay, review time.

While this is probably a weaker chapter than your previous ones, it is still way up there. So it's still really great - especially the characterization of Cortana. Many people forget that she is a computer, after all, and I think you really nailed it. And I continue to be fascinated by your depiction of the Chief. Your depiction of day-to-day life aboard a military vessel is wonderful as well.

Two suggestions - one, I really hate references to twentieth century pop-culture (though 26th century is fine Razz ). That's just me, though, I guess some people like that. Two, while these stories are great on their own, I would like to see where this is going. Though I should probably be the last one to say that.

Overall, this is really wonderful stuff. I can't wait for the next one.
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Last edited by kabu on Fri Jun 19, 2009 8:26 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Arthur Wellesley
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Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 306
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 8:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Excellent work, eb. I continue to enjoy your version of the Chief. His detached and emotionless demeanor evokes a malfunctioning robot. Obviously he's someone trained to bury all his emotions, yet he's just had the only people in the galaxy he truly cared about all taken away at once. His struggle to deal with this blow is well relayed here.

You did a good job with Cortana as well, crafting an excellent scene between Floyd. You also did a great job of adding details as you did before, such as the description of the food, the inclusion of Fhajad, and the process of placing the foil on the Pelicans. They really serve to draw the reader in.

My only complaint would be the pacing. We're three chapters in, and this still seems to be meandering in a rather directionless trajectory. Floyd's interactions with the Chief thus far seems to lack a point.

In any event, I enjoyed reading this. You've got a great style and an ability to make your setting come alive. I look forward to seeing what you do from here.

- Arthur
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