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Soldier Girl: Part 11.5 - Breach

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 1:11 pm    Post subject: Soldier Girl: Part 11.5 - Breach Reply with quote

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Soldier Girl: Part 11.5 - Breach
Posted by Adam Stark (Xvash2@sbcglobal.net)
19 June 2009, 9:26 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Adam_Stark0619090926491.html
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UNSC Trooper
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Joined: 11 Jul 2007
Posts: 85
Location: Overlooking a rebel hideout from an orbiting UEG patrol frigate.

PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 2:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You're doing a pretty good job with this series, Adam. Though your action and combat narration has improved from your last chapters, you've got occasional redundant words popping up here and there, as well as punctuation errors in most of your narration.

But first, I didn't like this.

Quote:
Now get out of my sight, and send someone more capable on your way out."
"Did you not just hear me? Get the hell out of here you incompetent retard, don't you realize you just got an entire platoon wiped out? If I can't do it, someone else will. Now go."

That whole temper tantrum didn't really seem necessary or reasonable to me. Sure, getting a platoon wiped out would probably make a CO kick the lard out of his officer's ass, but it seems his anger is fake since he's naive enough to have the "retard" point someone more competent of duty his way. Moreover, it's particularly unnecessary in the beginning of a chapter, in my opinion.

Quote:
When they did, it was an agonizing pace, the two halves pulling away from each other at a snail's pace.

Example of a small redundancy.

Quote:
"And one more thing," said Austin as he removed his helmet, running his hand over his buzzed hair, "blow the facility. Command said it was obsolete anyways."

Should be:

Quote:
"And one more thing," said Austin as he removed his helmet, running his hand over his buzzed hair. "Blow the facility. Command said it was obsolete anyways."

Punctuation error, which makes the paragraph look a bit ugly.

I liked the way you described the facility's history in the beginning, and most of your combat is sound. You just need to work on the things I mentioned.

Good job. Wink
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