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This is What Happens When We Give Them Superpowers - A 'Bad
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 1:11 pm    Post subject: This is What Happens When We Give Them Superpowers - A 'Bad Reply with quote

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This is What Happens When We Give Them Superpowers - A 'Bad Days' Story
Posted by kabu (will36@gmail.com)
19 June 2009, 7:09 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=kabu0619090709431.html
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kr1
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 5:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very enjoyable read, kabu, but Christ were there a lot of typos. You need to pay attention to that stuff. I'm sure it's just an off week for GPS, though. Wink

I really enjoyed your take on these misfit Spartans. They don't exactly fit the image we've been given by Nylund, although they remind me a bit of Gray Team, except more extreme in how fucked up they are. The argument was great in particular. Not really a fan of Spartans having sex, just because it goes against implied canon, but I liked Diana flirting with Gabe. Can't decide if it's funnier if she's serious or not. Liked that poor Jackal, too, and Leon's brief appearance was thoroughly entertaining.

Just one little. I don't think it's typical for privates to be calling a corporal 'sir', is it? I might be wrong there, but I know sergeants usually prefer to be called 'sarge' over 'sir'.
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kabu
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 5:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dammit I proofread this thing and only found like one or two typos. Gah. I hope it didn't detract from the story.

As for military protocol, basically I think it sounds funnier to switch between "Gabe" and "Sir" every couple of sentences. You're probably right about it not being technically correct, though. As for the whole young Spartans thing - these are basically teenage superheroes. I'm sure they're riding high off of that. I'm really not at all happy with the official canon in this regard, so I just made up my own. And I'll leave it up to the reader to decide how serious Diana was. Very Happy

The inspiration for this piece: I've read a bunch of stories about Spartans on this site, and they all seem to fall into one of two categories. Stories about badass supersoldiers killing everything, and stories that explore their massively fucked-up psyche. I thought it would be fun to take a look at another side that we almost never see - the years after they got their armor but before they got all battle-hardened, and were probably having a ton of fun. The title says it all, really. Teenagers with superpowers.
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kr1
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 5:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

To be honest, and I forgot to mention this the first time around, I'm not sure them being teenagers is that messy with canon. They're only 14 when they get the armor, remember. Wink
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 5:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

No, I have the whole timeline down, I did my research - the canon I'm not happy with is that they were able to so completely suppress human social instincts. Even though they probably could, scientifically speaking, it still stifles a lot of potential plotlines and doesn't make for many lulz.
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 5:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Huh, I didn't notice a lot of GPS errors when I read it through.

Loved it as usual. Very true about Spartans falling into one or two archetypes here on this site--it is nice to explore the times when they were young and enthusiastic.

'Range' works. Laughing
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 6:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was another very enjoyable chapter, kabu. As usual, you included plenty of laughs amidst some entertaining, if not terribly realistic action sequences. Isaac's conversation with Leon was particularly comical. You've got a great character in him.

Something I noticed in this chapter that I don't always see in your work was the special attention paid to description. Both the characters and the setting were lavished in details. The description of Altair in winter, for instance, was very evocative. You're very good at it - I think it's something you should do more often.

My favorite scene, though, was the altercation with the Jackal. I have to say, you actually made me feel sorry for the little beast as it was being strangled. Its pathetic recovery at Isaac's feet was well described, and I was actually cheering for it as it made good its escape. It was a bizarre and effective scene that you pulled off wonderfully.

On to the controversial bit: the characterization of the Spartans. I'm not sure I'm a total fan. While this series is clearly a thing of your own creation, with little heed paid to canon (you and I share that trait), their presentation here just didn't sit right. It's true that everything in this series is over-the-top and a little facetious, and it may be that including a Master Chief-like Spartan might not fit in with your comedy. However, it's possible there are laughs to be had by juxtaposing the deadly efficient Spartans with the incompetent boobs that comprise Isaac's contingent. Making them sex-crazed teenagers who beat each other up on patrol kind of defeats the purpose of including Spartans in the narrative. Characterizing them in the manner already established and finding a way to make that funny might have been the more effective route. Obviously, though, this is an executive for you to make, and I'm confident you'll make it work.

On the GPS side of things, I wasn't too appalled. I only detected a few.

Great work, kabu. Entertaining as always.

- Arthur
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UNSC Trooper
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 7:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Description-rich, extremely humorous in dialogue and solid narrating. I liked the "conversation" between Isaac and the AI, but you hit the Spartan canon wall head-on with that love scene.

Awesome stuff. This thing almost reads like a biography. Wink
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kabu
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 8:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ooh, I've ignited a firestorm of controversy Razz .

I still stand by my choice, though. And Arthur, I wouldn't say they're "sex-crazed," they just both had a really bad week, and this is unusual for them. Spartans don't habitually fight with each other, even in my really weird continuity. And Diana was probably just messing with Gabe's head. Probably.

I'm glad to get positive feedback on this one - I was really nervous about it. Thanks, peeps.

Suck it, canon.

And Trooper, this isn't exactly autobiographical. Except the bits with the sailing. I like sailing. Very Happy
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kr1
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 8:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

kabu wrote:
And Trooper, this isn't exactly autobiographical. Except the bits with the sailing. I like sailing. Very Happy


And that Torah comment... Razz
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 8:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

kr-1426 wrote:
kabu wrote:
And Trooper, this isn't exactly autobiographical. Except the bits with the sailing. I like sailing. Very Happy


And that Torah comment... Razz


Oh right. I'm not really religious, but the texts of major religions are pretty fascinating. I've read a good bit of the major Books, and Isaac is the sort of curious guy who would probably leaf through them a time or three. I've been very careful to not give him my personality overall, though - he really tends to wander off and get lost in thought more than me.
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Jake Trommer
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 11:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Funny stuff Kabu, excellent as always. I think it's safe to say someone's gonna make some Diana fanart now. Razz
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 20, 2009 12:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I really liked it... it's controversial. And the thought of a SPARTAN in a bitch-fight just amuses me.

I now feel sorry for Ben. The thought of a SPARTAN with erectile dysfunction just makes me feel incredibly... pitiful. Poor sod.
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 20, 2009 2:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Do you guys think I should make the Spartans recurring characters? I had planned that they would just be one or two-shot guest stars.
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 23, 2009 6:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think the Spartans are really fun characters, but they'd take away from the much stronger characters you already have if the Sexy Spartans remain.

That said, it would be really entertaining to see them drop into a future chapter.

Agreed on the Jackal scene. Great images, excellent execution. Lots of fun.
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