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HBO Fan Fiction
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hboff
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Jake Trommer
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Joined: 22 Jun 2008
Posts: 63
Location: An express elevator to Hell, going down
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 Posted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 2:24 pm Post subject: |
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I could only skim this, due to WALL OF TEXT syndrome, which leads me to my biggest suggestion for you: use the code.
See how I did that there? That's the code. If you want something bolded, just put around it, for italics, and [indent] at the beginning of every paragraph. For that matter, you should also start a new paragraph every time someone speaks.
And on that note, this is a screenplay, right? You're not supposed to use a lot of description or put the dialogue in the middle of the paragraph. For example, your second paragraph starts like this:
| Quote: | Exterior: Orbit of Planet Sanghelios
The Elite ship The Shadow of Intent comes out of Slipspace. The Arbiter jumps from his command seat. Shipmaster Rtas 'Vadum says," I thought you said we had made it safe." with great disappointment. |
However, with use of the code and screenplay format, it should look like this:
| Quote: | [indent]Exterior: Orbit of Sanghelios
[indent]The Shadow of Intent comes out of Slipspace, into the midst of a Brute Fleet.
[indent]Shadow of Intent bridge
[indent]The Arbiter is in the command seat, Shipmaster Rtas 'Vadum at his side. Both are startled by this unexpected turn of events.
[indent]'Vadum (with an air of great disappointment): I thought you said we had made it safe
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I'm not a screenplay writer myself, so some of that might not be correct, so somebody like JD who actually does write screenplays can help you out.
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Col. Knadan
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Joined: 08 Aug 2008
Posts: 68
Location: UNSC In Amber Clad II Class Cruiser
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| Posted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 3:33 pm Post subject: |
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Overall good read, however the way it was written to me made seem like it wouldn't work as well for a game as it might for a movie, other than that good story.
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spartan shot
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Joined: 19 Jun 2009
Posts: 12
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| Posted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 5:11 pm Post subject: thnx |
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| it came out shitty. i kno. i had typed this in my free time on microsft word for shits n giggles. when i found this forum i just coppied and pasted. iv already fixd it nd posted a rewrite. shuld b easier to read. thnx for the tips |
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kabu
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Joined: 18 Oct 2008
Posts: 205
Location: Nowhere in particular.
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| Posted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 5:31 pm Post subject: Re: thnx |
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| spartan shot wrote: | | it came out shitty. i kno. i had typed this in my free time on microsft word for shits n giggles. when i found this forum i just coppied and pasted. iv already fixd it nd posted a rewrite. shuld b easier to read. thnx for the tips |
Dear God man, vowels, please. Speak English at least.
Anyway, I haven't had time to read the whole thing, but from what I've seen this would make a better straight-up story than a screenplay. A screenplay is really just dialogue with a bit of stage direction, whereas you go for real description and such.
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