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Memoirs of an ODST - Parts one and two

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 1:11 pm    Post subject: Memoirs of an ODST - Parts one and two Reply with quote

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Memoirs of an ODST - Parts one and two
Posted by Wolverfrog (Wolverfrog49@hotmail.com)
14 June 2009, 12:45 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Wolverfrog0614091245421.html
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kabu
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Joined: 18 Oct 2008
Posts: 204
Location: Nowhere in particular.

PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 5:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

First off, welcome to hboff! It's great to see so many new writers around lately.

About the story: Short but sweet - You very quickly set up a coherent plot and characters, but I could have used another thousand words or so. Particularly in the escape from Harvest, I feel like that could be a whole chapter, especially if you took some time to introduce his family.

From a technical perspective, you have a very easy writing style that makes great use of vocab and simile without drowning us in adjectives. It's not often that we get a new writer who can string two sentences together, let alone write well. I think you really nailed it.

I have only one major complaint: GPS (grammar/punctuation/spelling) errors. All over the place. You repeatedly forget capitalizations ("earth" and "harvest"), displace commas and apostrophes, have a few grammar mistakes, and have a tendency to use run-on sentences. The biggest example:
Quote:
It wasn't like any of our cruisers; it was purple, and made of a shiny metallic element which was definitely not used in any of our standard ships, on closer inspection, it seemed like the ship was curvaceous, although why it was built this way was a mystery, surely it would just slow it down with its un-streamlined shape.

Read it out loud before you click "submit." That should have been at least three sentences, and then it would work.

Overall, though, this is a great first submission and I would love to see where you go from here!
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