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Soldier Girl: Part 11 - Castle in the Hole

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 12, 2009 2:40 pm    Post subject: Soldier Girl: Part 11 - Castle in the Hole Reply with quote

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Soldier Girl: Part 11 - Castle in the Hole
Posted by Adam Stark (Xvash2@sbcglobal.net)
12 June 2009, 1:14 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Adam_Stark0612091314131.html
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StevieTopSiders
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 16, 2009 12:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I do actually like the Soldier Girl series, but I have some things that could be worked on:

-If you're gonna switch times or places on us, give us warning. You can double 'Enter' or even use a horizontal line! [hl]
-I really don't think Sanderson and Austin could have survived a whole platoon, though, and didn't either side ever think of lobbing a good ole 'nade?

Otherwise, nice work, I didn't notice any glaring GPS errors, so good job!
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Spartan006
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 16, 2009 2:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is the first of your series that I've read, Adam, and I really enjoyed it. Even though this is the first that I've read of your series, I was able to pick up on what was going on and was able to connect with your characters quickly. Kudos! Like Stevie said though, Sanderson and Austin probably wouldn't have survived against an entire platoon. There were also some times when you should have started a new paragraph, this mainly happened when you were changing speakers. You had good description and I'll be reading up on previous chapters, great job overall!
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kr1
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 16, 2009 7:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Solid piece, here. A horizontal rule with any time or POV jump would've been nice, though, and I agree a whole platoon seems a bit much. Disappointed the MA5K didn't show up, either. Razz

Overall, though, good work. Wink
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Headhunter09
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 18, 2009 11:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It is really good, quality stuff you got there. One suggestion: Check yourself, make sure you aren't repeating the same phrase or using the same idiom twice in the same paragraph or section.
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