HBO Fan Fiction

[hboff]

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The Bright Green Dot: Clothes
Posted by 4642 Elitist Bastard (4642eb@googlemail.com)
12 June 2009, 1:13 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=4642_Elitist0612091313381.html

[SeverianofUrth]

Very good.

My biggest complaint with your previous chapter was the letter; and without such a ham-handed plot device to push your story, this chapter was much improved. The chief's vulnerability is explored but left still as an enigma. Much more effective than a contrived confession written in the language of a high school kid.

[kabu]

So that's what happened to Jonesy. Poor cat.

Anyway, I thought the idea of the letter in the last one was really good, but the letter itself went on a bit too long. As it is, this chapter is just as good. The way that the chief reacts to simple friendliness is an indication of both his shell shock and the way that he's never really been a human before, so that's cool.

I like the terse way he speaks, he's never really had to have a conversation before either.

And I assume that "sticking plaster" is British for bandage? We speak 'merican 'round these parts.

Basically, this is a really wonderful series that I hope to keep reading. I could see this fitting in perfectly with canon as well. Though it sucks to realize that your narrator is going to die in a few months...

Also, this:

[(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher]

I thought the same too when I read that part.

All in all, it was a good read, and I enjoyed it. I really hope to read more from you and this series.

Excellent work!
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"My appreciation for being quoted is being masked by my distaste for your incompetence, Gallagher" - Shrumertaor
Idea, Plot, Character, and Forum Signatures

[eb4642]

[kabu]

Nah, I like the Britishisms. Most people write sci-fi either as entirely American or obtrusively multicultural (Firefly, anyone?) which gets really annoying. I like it better when it's just kind of there.

And who is this Grauniad?
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[Arthur Wellesley]

I'm always wary of any attempts to tackle to Master Chief in fan fiction. To me, he's the invincible protagonist of the games, clearly a man who we'll never see die. He says little, you can't see his reactions. He's the vehicle for telling the story of Halo - the gamer may impart whatever personality he feels appropriate to this character.

However, this seems to be a genuinely interesting approach to this problem. Exploring the Chief's mental state while still making him laconic and emotionless is no easy task, but I'm liking it so far. How out of his element the Chief seems with just an ordinary, presumably drafted person is fascinating, and almost heartbreaking.

As with the previous installment, you've got a lot of great details that really make the scenes pop. The Chief's reaction to Jonesy (great nod to esoteric canon there, by the way), the lemonade's nickname, and the complexion of the Chief's skin all really made this feel very real.

I quite like what I see so far. I'm really hoping that you'll be able to characterize the Chief in a way that brings him to life more than the games managed to.

- Arthur
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Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017

[eb4642]

[kr1]

Good work here, eb. I like this series. Actually chuckled at the Chief chasing after poor Jonesy.

I like your characterization of the Chief, too. It seems fitting with what we've had so far. I do think that one line, "I apologize for my error" would've been better as simply, "I'm sorry," though. The Chief is terse and precise, but still speaks more or less like an average person. Other than that, no complaint.

Keep it up!
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