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Soldier Girl: Part 10 - This City Hasn't Slept in Years

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 05, 2009 6:37 pm    Post subject: Soldier Girl: Part 10 - This City Hasn't Slept in Years Reply with quote

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Soldier Girl: Part 10 - This City Hasn't Slept in Years
Posted by Adam Stark (Xvash2@sbcglobal.net)
5 June 2009, 6:55 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Adam_Stark0605090655261.html
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kabu
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Joined: 18 Oct 2008
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 09, 2009 7:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

What, no comments yet?

I haven't read the rest of this series, but it was easy enough to get into right here. And I have to say I like it. I'm really terrible at giving in-depth reviews, but I'll give it a shot.

A lot of people don't like opening straight into action, but I think it's fun. You set the tone for the chapter very quickly - periods of frantic activity followed by bewildering calm. I can totally understand Sanderson's reaction.

Killing a guy right before he reveals his name is a bit cliché, but you built up his character enough in a very short time to give it a good impact. And scavenging his gun was cool - I see it as a sort of gesture of respect, continuing his legacy.

Um, what else. In terms of writing on a technical level, you do very vivid scene descriptions, both in action and just standing still. I get a really good feel for Inigo, the desperate drive to hold the place together. Some really great metaphor and simile, I particularly like the "bowl of spaghetti" one.

A couple minor complaints - I feel like your sentences can get a little choppy sometimes, and move too quickly without a paragraph break. And a typo, looks like a copy/paste error. " A bead of sweat rolled down the side of her face, as doubt filled her mind. She wasn't sure what to do as doubt filled her mind." That repetition there.

Anyway, hope my disjointed review is of some use. I'll catch up on the earlier chapters soon enough. I hope.

Also, woo, 117 posts!
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fallschirmjager
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Joined: 24 Sep 2004
Posts: 262
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 09, 2009 10:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I suppose I should post here and say I judged this Fan Pick of the Week (June 6)
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Xvash2
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Joined: 10 Sep 2006
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 10, 2009 3:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I saw. I'm always checking, but most the time I remain quiet. Dave doesn't like me that much. Thank you for the constructive criticism, each piece of advice goes into the next piece.
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kr1
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Joined: 27 Feb 2007
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 12, 2009 11:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked this. Haven't read your stuff in a while, but you definitely deserved Pick of the Week. From the looks of it, you've improved from when I last read, too.

I really liked the idea behind the corporal. It was a little cliche and the monologue read as a bit unnatural, but he was interesting. Especially with his MA5K story. Loved Sanderson picking up his rifle, too.

I agree wth whoever it was that said the Commander leading a private around makes no sense, but that can be dismissed as him being an idiot like you said. Some of his dialogue was a little hollow, though, particularly him explaining the situation to Sanderson. It's very exposition-heavy.

There was a part near the end, after Sanderson sights up on the Innie, that read like a chunk of text was missing. May have been an intentional jump forward in time, but it wasn't clear.

Overall, though, good work. And don't worry, Dave doesn't hate you, he was just annoyeds you were calling it a book. Wink
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