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Soldier Girl: Part 9

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri May 29, 2009 1:15 pm    Post subject: Soldier Girl: Part 9 Reply with quote

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Soldier Girl: Part 9
Posted by Adam Stark (Xvash2@sbcglobal.net)
29 May 2009, 5:21 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Adam_Stark0529090521511.html
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UNSC Trooper
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Joined: 11 Jul 2007
Posts: 85
Location: Overlooking a rebel hideout from an orbiting UEG patrol frigate.

PostPosted: Fri May 29, 2009 5:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good to see another entry, Xvash. I don't remember ever reading more than the first two chapters of your series, but I still find it pretty well-written.

You've got a good grip on Melissa's characterization. She seems to be the type of ordinary loner we see in most war movies, so that's a realistic touch to the story. The taxi driver, however, was not living up to his "Innie" reputation. Usually, when a rebel threatens a soldier of an opposing force, the discussion ends with a bitter taste in someone's mouth. In this case he just said "Yeah, okay," which doesn't seem very reasonable to me. Razz The narration seems more or less natural; for instance,

Quote:
Her mom hadn't touched her room since she'd left. And her mom was one hell of a neat freak.

"Her mom" is pretty redundant here.

Quote:
She finally stood, placing the paper in the bottom of her duffel. She inspected her weapon before placing it back in the bag. She sat down next to it, disrobing from her uniform. She folded the clothes and placed them in her bag, which she set on the floor next to her mattress.

This piece seems very stretched. "She did that and this," and "her bag' really disrupts the flow.

Apart from that, you've got entire chunks of text that hurt the reader's eye. Split the text where you find it necessary.

Keep 'em coming! This is one of the long-standing series on the site. Wink
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