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No Place For Heroes; Ch 2: High Ho. High Ho. Its off to work

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Fri May 29, 2009 1:14 pm    Post subject: No Place For Heroes; Ch 2: High Ho. High Ho. Its off to work Reply with quote

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No Place For Heroes; Ch 2: High Ho. High Ho. Its off to work we go.
Posted by DevilsInject (mj-power@hotmail.com)
27 May 2009, 11:55 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=DevilsInject0527092355451.html
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UNSC Trooper
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Joined: 11 Jul 2007
Posts: 85
Location: Overlooking a rebel hideout from an orbiting UEG patrol frigate.

PostPosted: Fri May 29, 2009 4:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lots of in-your-face GPS errors. You don't capitalize, you don't add apostrophes, and you don't punctuate your sentences properly.

Quote:
"Those fucking bastards!" Yelled Pete,

"Yelled" should be lowercase.

Quote:
"Well your no help!"


Quote:
"What the fuck are you laughin' at you pikey?"


I also found the guy's constant yelling a bit annoying. Your story's not bad, but your format is horrible at times.

Keep writing!
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